Dear Oshún, 

We're going through a super rough patch. Which is normal cuz we're human, but geez is it hard. 

At every interval you take the opportunity to yell back at me, when I try to take space to regulate myself -- you get really clingy and over emotional about my reaction to you. 

Most times when I need space it's because you're being really mean, yelling, hitting and falling to the ground in a big fit. ALL COMPLETELY NORMAL CUZ YOU'RE A KID. 

-- It's so hard for Mama to do this all alone majority of the time. 

To care for both of us, pay all of our living expenses & be your sole companion, entertainment etc etc. 

I feel like i'm scraping the bottom of the tank and yet there is still so so much that falls from the heavens, comes up from the earth, to nourish us both & keep us on this path. 

Your push back makes sense because imagine being told all day long, there's a mess, this isn't how you do it etc. 

I'm going to work harder to adjust how I speak to you. 

Yet still that learning curve has beat me up // my spirit is so fragile being in this constant space of witnessing you become overwhelmed by your emotions and there seems to be no method that is working for you. 

I think about all the external and environmental things that might be adding to the big big emotions. 

I think of Dad's new special friend and her son. The dynamic of coming from that full household, two parents and someone nearly your age. 

I think about your new timeout system at Dad's house -- that we don't practice, that could have you feeling unheard, unseen and without support.

I think about us being alone in our own home -- & how much I wish with all of me I could give you at least a step Daddy and/or step sibling(s) ORRR a shared home with Family members. 

I think about how MF isolated we are, how fractured and broken our family is (This is systemically by Design!!! cuz our family is so poor that no one has the capacity to turn the other cheek or get curious about one another's perspectives)

Even though we're doing most of this alone, we have such a strong external support system. 

Whenever I tell you, Mama is doing this alone, you say "You have Kurt" and I want to cry now thinking about waiting on our invoices to come in and you witnessing Kurt lend us some money. 

YOU ARE 4 saying this by the way. 

Im crying. 

We have such a blessed life to be here and have these problems. 

It's so hard to feel this fragile when we aren't in harmony, but I hope to keep finding the gratitude in every bit of it. 

Thank you for being such a strong kid. 

I can already imagine us exchanging each one of these memories when it's our turn to return to the source and all of these power dynamics are gone. 

I love you infinitely Oshún. I pray so much tremendous protection, abundance and connection over our lives foreveR --- to all eternity, in this life and the next. 

Love your Mama

I L o v e that man.

I love remembering with him how deeply we both opened to each other. I love how much that shifted my entire frequency. I love how It healed things I couldn’t do alone, let alone see in it’s entirety.

I love breathing life into the existence of the love we explored. It feels like I yearned my entire life to feel the connection we had — and now that It was felt, that void is gone.

our Love set me FREE.

FREE to explore this world without the ache and void of yearning to feel God in this way.

I am considerably Delulu…. AND It is mercury retrograde, a full moon & I think I’m ovulating.

But Treal life, that type of Love leveled me up. We can only see ourselves as raw & vulnerable as we allow ourselves to be. I’m also still single & currently 6 months celibate. You can experience the deepest connection you’ve eveR had & Love will STILL not be enough, but all is exactly as It is supposed to be, working for my greatest good! ASE

Dear Oshún, 

I should have started this email account years ago. I suggested it to Abriel, your Aunty and my very 1st niece to do it for her son / your brother Caziel. She sent all types of pictures there and I've been sitting on our grandest memories for the last 4 years writing to you in journals and other things. I'll make sure to transcribe them so you have access here. 

I hope in whatever Now you're reading this you know that Mama has always been trying her best. Even at my lowest, what I gave you was the best I could in the moment. 

Right now you're in Arkansas - I think! You left yesterday morning at 6am with your Dad. This is the 2nd Thanksgiving you've been to "the South" to visit your Great Great Grandma, PawPaw Ivory's Mom. 

When Dad came to pick you up Sunday night, you cried so hard saying goodbye to me. It took almost 30 minutes for you to finally go. You're really attached to my body, you love hugging me and touching Mama's skin. I love that my body is your first home (in this lifetime). I love knowing how connected we have always been cuz the egg that made you has always existed inside me, since before I was even born. 

Right now, Dad's cousin - and by default your cousin, is cleaning Grandma's (Ipo) couches! You (mostly) are the culprit for their demise. 

I'm so grateful that although me and Dad weren't a match for eachother we became a great family because of the Divine that is You. The miracle, the earthside Goddess that is you my girl.

You are so so confident and brave. So smart, so articulate, so LOVING. 

Anyhow. I love you my sweet girl. 

I hope future You, that knows how to read, always remembers the pure Divine that You Are. 

I love you more than words can articulate. 

- Mama

There’s so much to update / reflect on.

In this new season of life, it’s a joy to put old identities to rest. To release old cycles, old versions of self, to make room for new beginnings and more evolution.

I say “joy” poignantly cuz yaaaahhh girl is uncomfortable. losing identities is such a mournful process.

This itty bitty piece of me, the strange but constant voice inside of me that NEVER just lays down in peace has surely arrived me into this constant searching and erkingggg for more.

only to be less. Less “identified with”, less judgyyyy. just less, yet more.

and sometimes I don’t think I’ll survive not fighting for my life every day. I’m not sure monotony was quite made for me, but I chase / chased after security.

I don’t know where the toxic addiction to stress ends and where true excitement and passion for life begins.

I recognize that even with all my knowing and articulate dissection, I know Nothing.

and I feel ok accepting, the human that cannot quite function in this safe monotony.

the human who would like security yet strange and heart pounding passion / excitement.

I want to live wholly in all my complexities.

Saying It out loud It feels justly ABSURD to believe that I should have It together by now.

yet i still believe i should …
There’s this all too familiar melancholy and anxiety and i wonder if these baby blues weren’t already present pre-conception, pre-Dante&Fee.
i wonder if this ache of existing is genetic, conceived of some environmental malice that triggered the chemical imbalance in my biological mother and imposed itself on my genetic makeup. I just wonder — maybe it’s the existential crisis of being Human that predisposes us to this sadness of conformity to survive, to understand truth as a social construct and to just Be requires so so so much shrinking.

im tired of shrinking and I’m tired of how ugly i feel exposing how small and vulnerable shrinking makes me feel.
Living feels like a soap opera you just can’t quite dial out of.

And the paradox of existing is cumbersome.

I feel you myLove. In the elapsing of time, your presence inside of my body still feels like we are one Being — except now I’m more attuned to our connection to each other and our connection to a divine state.
I get engulfed in emotion, intuitively receiving confirmation that you hear me. When i am overwhelmed by my new changing body, it’s weight & the burden of slowly dismembering old identities and ideas of “self”, you lighten up, you take It easy on me.

when i am overthrown by my emotions, every single prayer I’ve prayed has come true almost instantaneously and i know it’s because of You. Our power together has called every seed i have planted along my journey to sprout and blossom to answer my heart’s deepest cries.
i become afraid thinking of my human vulnerabilities and insecurities. I want to conquer my human condition before you enter this world — but our lifetimes are a growing experience.
thank you for connecting me back to our Magic.
I’m growing more anxious as the days pass by and your arrival gets closer.
i love you.

It feels like my spirit has hit a wall.

and I’m too tired of trying, too tired to wonder how each thought has manifested these interactions that ripple into such a definite emotional reaction.

too tired to feel guilty — too tired to care outside of my immediate and current needs and hope that this “selfishness” isn’t part of the same selfishness that created the social disaster and societal disfunction of existing that we are currently facing.

my energy reads all of the unspoken, and It ignores every screaming red flag — to self we say, this is the price you pay for stability. This is the price you pay for companionship, for the luxury of building a family (the one we’ve been conditioned to believe holds the highest value of existing).
to self we say — he wants what you want, but you know better.

and you could probably deal, if It didn’t mean having to be so emotionally stifled.

so deprived of connection.

i am tired of trying so hard, of fighting so hard.

i don’t care what is for me, what is understood about me, and what is meant to be.

this is my best.

We’re growing at an alarming rate and i feel giddy and nearly immobilized at times.
I’m so excited to begin life again experiencing the world with you baby.

I’m also undoubtedly afraid of pushing you out.
thank you for connecting us so intimately with the divine.

love you my love.

My psychologist and my doulas have encouraged me to speak to baby.

it’s been easy to write to baby. But harder to speak.
Spoken words that can change the molecules of water.

Water … we are 75% of.

I’ve learned this past week, that speaking to baby is like speaking to self.

not just thinking to self. But in a coo, in a gesture of nurture. I must speak to baby, who is 1 with me in this moment with love and compassion.

baby does not feel separate from me.

baby feels a part of me.
as we all started in this existence, stemming from One Soul.

as one thing — i must speak to me with love.

speaking is hard because i do not want to be vulnerable. I’ve understood that when i cry, i often lose myself to the avalanche of emotion — that my strength keeps from encumbering me

but i have to learn to speak. To be vulnerable. Or else, You … self and You Baby will not know how to flow through your emotions and let them go.

I don’t want you to carry the burden of an avalanche and get stronger the more capable you become at holding your tears back.

so i will speak to you. Even when i need to cry a little to translate things.

our words are our power to remake the world

it is our gift as ever growing and an evolving human species.

it is our gift as pieces of God becoming awake to ourselves.

i will use my words to speak kindly to Me and to You.

i will learn to Love me and in turn i will know how to love you better.

thank you for growing my experience by growing inside of me.

even in my homelessness i am so grateful to be your Mama and for the expansion you have placed on my soul because of It.

love Fee

My ego is glaring at me to react.

to take charge of these grey moments, and control it’s outcome.

im tired.
I’ve spent my entire life lingering in a state of transience.

where nothing is really secure or stable enough to build from. And every moment you’re having to start anew, reshaping your brand new world to the new impending circumstances that haven’t quite clearly been defined.
i loathe the moments that i have to adapt to survive. That i have to constantly fight for life and for what?
to be a token brown girl, always having to prove she is worth the space she stands in.

God … do you hear me?
i am tired.

im not sure this collective reinforcement of “society” is something I’d like to partake in any further. What is the point of fighting.

Is experience worth the vendor belt of suffering?

Being — for this long has allowed others to still be alive. But to what cost?

i need help. I need support. I need to feel hope.

signed - a disappointed and hopeless Fee

I am pulling a part every dormant fear and shame resting inside of me.

Clearing every forgotten corner.

Where is this silent frequency hiding.

the one that called this into my reality.

i guess “my” reality is egoic.

and Being. requires a state of acceptance that becomes foreign when you do so much intentional healing and manifesting to outlive the circumstances of your reality.

and that is always my quarrel.

in this current reality, it feels like there is an intersection between being accepting and being completely docile.

in this current reality, someone had to stand up and fight for change to occur.

conflict has always been a means to changing humanity and experience for the collective shift.

and it must be our association with the word “conflict” as regarding to a bad thing.

and the point is there is no “bad” thing. There is just experience.

I feel so completely stricken by ego.

and trying to understand why and how. things of this nature find me.

To current self

things seem bad because you are lost in “I”

your higher self has called things into your life to lead you where you are destined to be.

let the symphony of Being take its course.

do not worry about the ways and means of getting you there.

Bad is a social constraint to experience.

just Be. just Be. Just Be.

I dreamt i was in a river swimming with a bunch of kin folk.

up ahead — the river began growing into a wave. Each time i caught sight of It, it’s texture changed. It grew 10 feet, then It subsided back into itself — It grew and grew to 100 feet, the more awareness i put into It.
seeing It grow that big i smiled inside, and that smile found its way outward. I became excited for the gigantic wave that seemed to grow with my awareness.
In that excitement the wave subsided and in its magnitude turned into a giant water woman of some sort, jumping through the collapsing wave as if It were a springing salmon jumping up river.

still excited i reach out towards the giant woman made of water, and with her hollowed eyes of water she looks into me and reaches out her hand.

She pulls me up and i feel the strength of her presence bringing me higher and mid air i begin seeing the orchestration that is allowing for such a spectacle.

there are invisible strings making the water bend.
every bit of this demonstration was not an act of nature but a man made occurrence.

i ride the wave back down to my friends and family.
at the bank of the river, along a patch of grass, We sit together, soaked, twilight upon us, and satisfied.

we experienced a 100 foot wave that turned into a woman, and It was all a creation of our own concoction — grateful for the thrill we sigh in accomplishment and enjoy the company of each other.

And then i wake up.

i wake up to a world of artificial conflicts and challenges.

a lot of which i create through the conditioned social constructs of identity.
i feel like dying because in the waking world i am stuck in a nightmare.

in my dreamworld i turn nightmares into fun.
life feels like a game of masks that i am tired of wearing just to be alive.

snapchat memories have a subtle way of recounting years, since gone, of being well rested. Of being glowy, and radiating an energetic field of womanly beauty and sacredness

these days, my energy fields reads “Tired” and on a constant gaze and search for peace and rest.

the job feels more rewarding because i finally feel like i have a handle on how things, in my line of work, function.

ive experienced enough, I’ve witnessed enough.
and now I’m stepping into position, stepping into open spaces ready to do the work, I’ve been doing but with more wind and assurance in my sail.

I may be the most conscious I’ve ever been my entire life — and thee most tired.

why is It that all I’d like to do is rest, disconnect, and recharge.

i don’t really like outings unless they’re geared toward my childlike wonder,

and now that i have a person, Going out to receive the male interaction the human in me desires feels like a waste of energy.

ive been slowly transitioning into a human being who aspires peace before social connectivity or value.

so therefore, my feet haven’t been professionally pedicured in almost a year (maybe even longer), my face hasn’t been waxed in YEARS (😭 hella plural), my nani hasn’t been waxed since January,
- I’ve just gotten into buying new clothes because I’ve gone through my rotation of outfits so many times the clothing itself has started disintegrating and so have my shoes 😢.

im tired. And today not a tired that feels like i want to stop existing.
but tired that makes me want to accept VALUE and ABUNDANCE that is alive in every human being, awake or not, existing in merely Being.

im so tired of being tired i can finally accept a story that doesn’t identify it’s sense of Value with hard work, pain or suffering,

but truly identifies value with Just Being.

And in that Being, i am innate abundance.

and i live unbounded in this existence.

i create, i am peace, i am fun, i am magic, and i am magnetizing.

i enjoy, and i feel connected.

My escape has turned into Full fledged work

we share our lives now with everyone we love.

and i love loving more of him, and him loving more of me.

but again, I’ve found myself utterly depleted of energy. Of Hope.
as much as i give, and have no control over giving, I’m reaching for that energy in return.

yelling inside of self …. SOMEONE TELL ME TO STOP. TELL ME ITS OK TO SAY NO, TO BREATHE. Someone tell me to take care of myself. To not worry. To relax. Someone tell me, that the livelihood of my loved ones is not dependent on my presence or energy. Someone tell me life or death, or shift and change isn’t dependent on how much i focus on It.

I wonder if i stopped being a part of things how far I’d get before I’d need to feel the connection to other human beings to feel like i exist.

im so tired of pain.

The more i grow in unveiling the fallacies of this existence,

the more subtle energy i read.
the things that would exist subconsciously in our awareness,

now blare and blind any presence i hope to carry.

i feel e v e r y t h i n g

in a 3 bedroom house if sometimes 17,

I feel the pain of every trauma and heartbreak unsaid.

i feel their subconscious thoughts that characterize their energy field.

so many subconscious thoughts of not enough.

and so much disguised fear.

im tired of how disappointed human existence makes me.

yet i try so hard to be connected to this experience.

im tired of living in pain.

Norm for people like us:

after taking the twins to the veranda where we see white people on a Wednesday afternoon have a quiet relaxing concert in the middle of the day,

they return home and literally have a neighborhood brawl with a doped up neighbor who started harassing the kids while they were outside dancing for their birthday.

it got so bad, because none of the boys were on the block at that specific time, that while the man started hitting the kids, one of the Mom’s of the kids ran out with a machete and started halfway hacking him almost chopping off his ear, trying to get him to stop.

apparently the ordeal trekked from the front of my sisters house then around the corner down by Shayna’s.

and when the ambulance, 2 fire trucks and 3 police cars showed up. No one snitched.

not the man bloodied and beaten, or his woman that was beaten too, or the kids or their parents.

what was the point of survival.

life was worse before.
I should be grateful.

what was the point of pursuing life.

survival?
we are dying to live in an artificial “free” society, while killing ecosystems, environment and people alike, to sustain our currency.

I want to stop.

make It all make sense.
Or at least find a grip on what I’d like to do with myself.

I sound like such a brat. And i sure do have a way with bringing whatever emotion i am in into life.

i understand that the universe fought for millennia to bring me into existence in this current form and in this current state of now.

i hate being so depleted that i give up on the paradox that has arrived me here

ACCEPTANCE

PRESENCE

INNATE ABUNDANCE

ABUNDANCE

LOVE

ENERGY.

I feel the vibrations of every atom coming into agreement with presence and collectively knowing our Heaven in Joy.

It pulsates —

and then It accelerates every desire i have to co-create in this spatial place of being as a partner in this Universe.

I fall in love with my awakening.

I praise the journey that conditioned me to stand in this space and give me the bandwidth, the resilience, the understanding,

to interact with magic, and build with the creator itself.

Thank You.

graciously I have a 7 minute walk from my door step to the back door of my office.

and in those 7 minutes I get a panoramic view of the city…

I try and still the noise of thoughts in those moments, but somehow, i still hear a voice.

and only now am I realizing that maybe that voice is my heart speaking to me, like it did to the Boy in The Alchemist.

My nephew revealed this short-cut to me some time ago and it’s been my only way to work since. The corridor leads you down 3 flights of outdoor stairs, each level nestled into it’s own scape and outlook. Each level spatially related in such a way that doesn’t incur hurry, each arriving you into a space to stop, breathe and look.

I look each morning.

and sometimes I hear that voice inside of me tell me of the magnitude of our evolution. It tells me of the resilience and ingenuity of existing in form. It tells me how blessed I am to be a part of an evolved awakened Being.

That eons and eons of existing happened so that I could be awake in this moment.

my heart whispers these truths to me every morning seeing the skyline of this city.

before I find my way completely down the hill, I pass by two large palm trees that I love to say hello to.

Under their palms, for the briefest moment of no thought, I hear the beach in my soul, i know the waves of the ocean, and they send a current through my body and I am a part of that ocean, no matter how far it is.

Every morning there is a palm I can touch, and I raise my hand and lightly let my hand run through it’s leaves.

in that instance, I know every instance I’ve had with palm leaves and I become euphoric.

I am one with all moments of existing right in this very moment.

I have endured and still evolved,

I am because all is, stretching and actualizing the nature of itself — Being.

I am grateful for the infinite production between our one soul and myself.

no one exists without the other.

Another year of relentlessness.

I thought of what would be if Lia was successful.

if she couldn’t be revived. If she left this world the way she wanted to, because the pain of our realities is too much to bear.

I accepted her death a long while ago. When she left the first time.

when her heart couldn’t withstand the pressures of her household, her Dad that was dying, her Mother that was running, and her siblings, autistic, speech impaired and the last, barely walking.

And Her. My 13 year old warrior. Holding true and strong.

i wonder about my baby leaving this world.

and i know it’d break my heart.

Ive felt my heartbreak time and time again since she ran the first time. And i know my stubborn spirit would keep me here.

it would keep on fighting even though my heart was dead.

It’d find her inside of different kids and out in the world when we let nature in.

im old, and my spirit, my soul,

is just used to doing what It’s done all my life.

it has survived. It has thrived and then It Lives again. Falling in love with the unity of our oneness, dying, dying, dying

just to live again.

just to love again.

Just to keep on going again and again and again.

my baby my heartbreaks for the world we were born into.

But if there was no world of this state, there would be no You.

unconsciousness birthed your soul into this plane.

and Love will grow you here all the same.

If you manage to live long enough in this concrete jungle, eventually, Value finds You.

Because you chose to be beautiful anyways.

The board doesn’t term out for another 3 years but I’m guessing the campaign starts now.

This full moon i dreamt another dream

i dreamt of a kid bloodied, but polite.

He shook my hand and i didn’t refuse.

I let the stink of the human carnage on his person greet mines.

he felt like he was one of my kids — doing what he had to do. He acted in revenge, he was sad about It, but still stood tall — It was something that just had to be done.

it’s a part of this life cycle.

and he accepted his fate with open arms.

i caught a ride with my dead grandmother, Grandma Fa’avale, one of thee most selfless and hardworking women I’ve ever had the honor of knowing.

For some reason my Dad Willy and big Brother Will came to pick her up from the school i was at shaking hands with the bloodied boy.

leaving, we looked to be in the back streets near Mission rec.

and suddenly this huge black bird descends from the sky.

its bigger than a person,

It’s curious of something a hundred yards ahead of us on the sidewalk.

its floating body takes up a good portion of the street as It stops and as It uses its beak to grow its curiosity, It begins slow winding with its body, It looks like a dance,

I can’t believe this huge magical creature is in front of me.

my awareness of It, grabs it’s attention and almost immediately it turned towards us flys in our direction and stares me in the eyes.

then It leaves.

and i woke up.

Making time to invest in intentional wellness within.