we had an abrupt start today. 

right before morning meditation with our group of youth, 

we were summoned to the bathroom of all places, i hate It when my kids’ space gets interrupted.

my exact words “someone better be dying”

— I’m tired... exhausted from projecting a mental energy field around this backroom warehouse we utilize for program.

tired of fighting for their right to this space, tired of no one respecting this space while we’re in It and tired of translating what should be common consensus. 

In the one stall bathroom there’s my kid. He’s half naked, his upper body scathed from struggle and his swollen right fist telling of a trauma i already knew too well.

My niece preps the rubbing alcohol and neosporin and goes to get something cold for his right hand, growing in size due to its recent encounter.

we’re all silent. Kurt washes his hands to apply the neosporin, i start cleaning scrapes that wrangle the fixture of his neck.

”Look in my eyes — ARE YOU OK?” 

and in almost a serene response he replies

-“Yes” 

His hand doesn’t look broken but It is swelling rather fast. We throw some frozen vegetables on It and we get back to class, start Morning meditation and dialogue afterwards like nothing ever happened.

he hid his hand under a sweater and didn’t call any attention to himself and what he just experienced the entire day. 

He lives less than a mile from the office.  

The bus ride from his door to our office is MAYBE 10mins, MAYBE!  

and between that time and destination, he was jumped.  

We’ve gotten used to pushing through our pain so much, we don’t give ourselves time to digest what’s happening. 

then one day all the evidence is too much to ignore and you’re wondering how you expect to turn a peaceful blind ignorant eye towards the wall building itself around you.

is being accepting being docile?  

Thats what i feel like right now. Docile.  

that in some strange way i asked for this purpose, and because i did i have to accept what It produces. 

and I’m here in this space accepting the pain over and over and over and over and Over again,

Evolving but waiting to be set free.

being accepting feels lukewarm.

and i don’t know if this is my ideal objective for this life experience.  

my Goodness. Feels crazy to be in a space with so many people i absolutely adore and idolize and HOLD space, hold value, hold somethin!!!!

graspin for air right now, because the current climate is callin for movement — if we stop movin we might as well roll over and die, so here we are .... goin.

kids and i are joining our partners in community, Project Level to an exclusive premiere of “The Last Black Man in San Francisco” Wednesday. 

Whoever thought my inbox would be this lit?! 

today:

- finalized guest list and clustered appropriate people to tables for tomorrow 

- went back home to pickup dresses for Shirley

- bought leis for Darryl and Kiere for grad tonight

- cut ie for our dance tomorrow

- secure ROD, who is the exhibiting artist at the MoAD for interactive tour with RYLA youth this coming Tuesday

- dress rehearsal with girls for tomorrow

- practiced for dance tomorrow

- review RYLA candidates with JF, determine final selection — notify final selection for start date Monday!!!!

- go to Darryl and Kiere grad at Balboa

- check in at Marriott before JF leaves the city

- final run through with all 8 dancers  

- pack posters (6) and portraits  (6) for hotel drop off tonight with trophies and 12 easels.

- pickup dress from Mo’s house (SHE KNOCKS IT OUT THE PARK!!!)

Finally home, and can’t believe i made It through all that without mentioning how much we had to work through getting through everyone’s shit.

parent shit, teenage shit, politic shit, weird energy shit.

every shit you can think of, we’ve encumbered. 

and I’m still here sifting through shit hoping, no KNOWING i need to make time for FEE’s SHIT or else I’ll be all outta gas, fucks and love to care. 

im so damn glad I’ll have someone there who actually cares about me — who cares that I’m rested, fed, and overall well.

who will provide enough attention for me to pay attention to myself and my own needs.  

Not calling him one but i bet that’s the point of significant others. 

to remind you to cater to self. To be in love with self, to remind you not to get lost in the world or doing for the world. 

that caring for self is just as important for the whole as actively helping the whole.

I almost don’t care at all what anyone will think. 

this has been everything I’ve been asking for. 

someone to be for me, and not get afraid or lost in the shadow of Fee to miss these true moments of connection. 

i don’t give a fuck where this is going. I’m so damn happy for now.  

I feel so saved by his damn attention it’s crazy.  

I thought about table dynamics for our annual fundraiser gala.

we quite easily compartmentalized older college kids and recent graduates from the up and coming youth still tender in their high school tenure.

we created a table for long enduring couples and individuals who would appreciate the tranquil of older adults, but not yet elder.

and then there was us.

and the more names i wrote down for our table, the more i realized that there was one odd man out and that would be my date. 

we are a table of Pitt bulls. 

and a Pitt bull he is not.

He looks like us, but his energy, his aura is not of ours. 

I’m trying to think of why this dynamic frightens me.

im afraid that he won’t pass. 

he looks like us, but as of now, he doesn’t show signs of being bred like us. 

where typical table conversation poses the rhetorical inquiry of “why didn’t they just put $ on his head” 

and if not said, it’s a normalcy we carry in our being.  

It scares me, that this is the identity i fall under when arranging people to tables and clusters. 

That we, at our table have survived such social travesty and yet we’re here - carrying a world of pain, and still creating spaces of beauty, still have the capacity to spread love and joy.

and still, still, still, Still — PITT BULLS.

pitt Bulls in suits, Pitt Bulls in gowns.  

pitt Bulls none the less.

this discomfort feels like It keeps growing on itself.

We’re in this space illegally.  

Surveilled tirelessly by housing,  

we’ve resorted to scooping buckets of leftover water after showering into the toilet because the plumbing is so ridiculous it’ll clog every 3-4 months and contacting housing more often than not will draw a keen eye you don’t otherwise need on a space housing more people than it’s supposed to.

the city’s disinvestment of this community, has its own residents treating their own spaces of temporary and illegal refuge with disrespect.

my household is a mausoleum of forgotten things. Forgotten responsibilities, forgotten hopes, forgotten dreams, forgotten care or honor, forgotten integrity.

a few weeks ago i tried helping one of my kids get housing support for her and her family of 3. She’s a freshman at sf state, and was recently displaced, couch surfing then finally finding some type of normal, commuting from Fairfield with her younger brother still in High School at Leadership in SFUSD and her mom working full time in Daly City, barely affording that rent, and looking for a 3rd job on top of being a full time student.

upon analyzing her priority assessment for emergency housing, the point access case manger determined “You aren’t a priority” 

Society will wait until we’ve been domestically abused, plagued with addiction, pregnant, and every other OTHERED vulnerable description of human being BEFORE we are prioritized as deserving of services. 

i understand that there needs to be some type of net to capture these populations. 

but where is our social investment before that? 

why have I lived my entire life with this housing insecurity?  

To the point that It has begun to alienate Us from eachother.

dialoguing to this point with self, i forget how instrumental this space is.

our environment may be toxic, even radioactively toxic — the shipyard!!! 

toxic emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually.

but there are places around the world with almost no access to the powers that be.

at least here we have a chance to speak. 

We have the power to build bridges around the world. 

i guess the Universe has been reminding me not to get lost in the temporary comforts of this place. 

that this experience is meant to embrace more than just this. 

there’s beauty in discomfort.  

There’s thousands of years of ancestors who have survived with less, and still experienced more. 

what experience is the Universal self trying to have in this space and at this juncture of contradictions?  

It pales me to say, that in some sense i don’t want this experience to keep on.

i don’t know if I’d like to bring another soul into this world. To grow the living hell we’ve built in ego and isolation. 

id like to give birth to a new era of Being.  

A new era of peace, joy and a natural co-existing configuration of being. 

im tired of being disappointed. Im tired of running out of faith and accepting and being alone in values and truths that don’t align with this current experience.

I’m tired of being strong.

tired of being the bigger person. 

tired of not having the capacity to not give a fuck and try and fit in. 

i don’t know what to ask for. 

or how to restructure my asks to bring about the Universe i wish to be in. 

all i know is I’m tired. 

Dorothy Day, Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr.

i was gifted this artwork by a phenomenal woman in education — Julie Harris.

shes retiring and i don’t know how to thank her for believing in me and changing the trajectory of my life.

as much as I’d like to see change, there’s a longing for things to stay the same.  

To live in this eternal state of Now and find new ways to see the beauty of It all.

i literally want to start ballin my eyes out, because I can’t believe human beings like her exist and i feel very lucky to know her. 

Universe, please give her back the same love she expends but 10 times over.  

connect her to all the wonder she has inspired in this world and bring value and respect to every space she steps into. 

i closed my eyes and awakened in a dream world, lying in a bed of freshly picked flowers. 

For a few moments i lay still smiling at the orchids resting with me - breathing them in deeply, exhaling my gratitude fully. 

smiling in deep and fulfilling harmony. 

i am a flower in a bed of flowers. 

i am lustfully beautiful, because i am temporary.  

I will bloom for but a moment ...

And so i breaaaaaathe.

every Flower is unique in a way,  

All resemble an orchid, but they’re each different and yet still individually and collectively beautiful. 

I close my eyes in this dream world and let myself go a little further. 

and I’m deeper in me. 

i smile at the new agreements i have begun to make with myself. 

agreements of beauty, acceptance and Love. 

im in the eternal flow within self, 

and i promise to never forget this place again. 

the boys begin playing louder, screaming louder, 

i suddenly have the urge to pee, and i know i must leave this place once more. 

i awaken slowly. How did this midday drowse encumber me? 

I force consciousness to return to this physical plane and grow in loving physical me throughout this universal existence that much more. 

I am awake In a disguised bed of orchids.  

and then i seen this 

My truths feel so ancient in this new day.  

But they’re all i have - anything otherwise becomes a hell too atrocious to live in. 

the discomfort of my latest renewal of self has stretched me in ways i shouldn’t know.  

Its given me even more faith. Even more courage. Even more assurance in the unknown and even more Knowing. 

i know patterns in my loved ones, more than i care to hold - as that knowing leaves me sometimes disingenuous watching a conscious decision of pain trigger a ripple that sometimes becomes a Monstrous wave and being a part of their pain over and over and over and OVER again. 

I’m disingenuous because their kids don’t deserve the pain and selfishness their parents are lost in.

but i guess that means I’m not trusting of the Hope and Love i was able to live in after all the life I’ve been through. 

the knowing has me struggling with taking control of the Universe i create while accepting the Universe of right now. 

i know the stances of truth i make will ripple in their own way, and when the time is right become an ocean. 

Anyhow. This reminded me to just be genuine with self.

i deserve It. 

i am valuable.  

I am the Love i want to experience and i am the Love that the world deserves more of.

-love a day dreaming Fee$ 

My heart has ached for you.

my peace was sacrificed for You. 

and tonight we’re here. At the top of the world, because we didn’t give up.

not one of us. 

to raising kids, with this much blind faith. 

to a Love that continues to grow, even in heart ache.

to a living hell, that we learned how to make beauty in anyways.  

God saw fit to make us radiant anyways.  

Grateful for the pain that made us.  

And not enough presence. 

i get It. I’m aware of every thing. 

This year was my 4th year practicing lent. And every year i grow and stretch a little more in disciplining my vices, detaching self from escape and addiction and developing deep articulation of self with self about self.

i gave up meat for over a month. When i broke my fast for Easter Sunday i threw up every single piece of corn beef i had in me. 

monday i had a turkey sandwich that made my stomach turn  

and today i ate a bbq chicken plate that literally made me cry. 

AND JUST LIKE THAT. 

ive lost an indulgence i relied on heavily to get me through the heartache of human existence. 

im pissed off because I’m becoming less and less connected to other every day human beings.

😭 literally about to cry. 

I gave up meat knowing the atrocities that occur through industrialized farming and hoping to consciously take charge of that energy source.

i know so much about every single thing. I’ve always been in love with the history and context of stuff and this new knowing has left me more isolated than i can bare sometimes. 

and now i have fewer and fewer outlets to make due with the gravity of the load being carried.

I’m tired of the knowing. 

I declare that our reality will be that of Peace. 

that Being will be Enough for everyone to be full in. 

I declare freedom. Not just for me, but for my people dying prematurely.

i declare healing. I declare peace.  

I declare unobstructed access to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

i declare value for every single human being in their chosen social functioning of the whole. 

i want to be set free. I want to be present. With less emotional occupation in the knowing and more Joy in the Now. 

i deserve It.  

And he Found himself again. Biggest goofball and the smartest person in the room. 

I felt a huge shift when Nip died. 

his passing illuminated the lives and paths we’ve enduringly walked alone, bewildered and blind.  

It brought value to the way we’ve BEEN existing, to the heartbeat we just couldn't quiet inside of us. 

We started this life together. 

All of us - raised by a village of human beings that gave us what they could. 

You being You again completes US. 

it reminds Us of HOPE. And when we are all together we remember who we are again.  

We keep each other grounded in the true emotions we experienced together - that real Love, Joy and excitement for life.  

all those feelings we were free to have and explore  as kids never leaving our hearts and always dormantly encouraging the soul to be alive in. 

I’m so grateful he’s home. 

and I’m going to protect his right to FREEDOM with every resource available to me. 

-love

a fed up FEE

there are so many relationships I’ve fostered with an idea of “unconditional Love”

unconditional Love

was the Love my parents had. The Love that adopted me when my biological parents were too severely immobilized by their vices to care for me, the Love that sustained even after my dad’s family wished i had taken the bullet to the head that killed my little cousin David,

that beautiful love that found its way through the toxic bullshit of the hood, the kind of love that made your heart smile and your spirit glow - because you knew how to make beauty, hope and Love in such a cruel place. 

thats all I have ever wanted in life 

Was a love like that.  

A humble Love, an enduring Love an Unconditional Love.

one i could depend on - no matter what. 

one day, i Became that Love. 

i became the Love that was always there.  

I filed my emotions away and carried the burdensome load of compassion.

today. I’m almost certain, my compassion, my unconditional love and loyalty ain’t helping no one really Love themselves or Love me correctly. 

I developed the capacity to Love UNCONDITIONALLY but the people i love aren’t evolving with me.

they’re stuck in a cycle of pain and confusion that I’ve naively become a codependent crutch to.

im not loving myself by supporting toxic behavior patterns.  

Im not loving myself by ignoring the blaring emotional red flags i feel sharing space with people who DECIDE to keep going through the same shit.

who DECIDE to hurt themselves and hurt my damn kids, and leave a mess for everyone after to clean up.  

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KIDS IVE HAD TO CORRECT emotionally??? How many kids i had to support, how many holes i had to fill because the adults in their lives couldn’t see past their own shit?!!!! 

i feel like I’m judging. And judging is wrong. 

I should be accepting. But I’m dead fucking tired of grown people not having the capacity to make adult decisions. 

Anyhow. Evolution is tiresome.

i swear, here i go again, “WITH GREAT POWER, COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY” 

i miss being ignorant of all this shit. Cuz now i gta be accountable for the fucking energy that surrounds me and for each space i find myself in.

i gta be accountable for every MF that hit my line and think I’m stuck up because i won’t condone to no low energy shit.

i ain’t judging you MF’s i just know this Love i have ain’t for everybody. 

and i don’t have the ignorance to enjoy temporary satisfactions.  

I wish the fuck i did, cuz It seem like the grass is greener on that side of the fence, but I’m stuck on my side, and this evolution shit is all i know.  

So ima keep watering this blue MF grass hoping i meet more MF’s who got blue grass and enjoy that shit.  

 -signed a Fee growing through some thangs. 

is draining. 

It’s one thing to have experienced this all of our lives, 

it’s another to know the intricacies.  

id formerly be too consumed in my own pain to notice anything otherwise.

Always forcing self to grieve however It seemed to be socially acceptable, 

confused - because It all seemed so completely unnatural.  

To have seen so many dead bodies, to hold my head down and pretend to feel,   

When all i felt was numbness.

i took myself out yesterday to try and force some decompression. I caught the Giants game and i wondered if there would even be a game if every player was their most excellent selves, and hit nothing but home runs. 

The structural challenges of the game, creates enough conflict for It to be entertaining.  

For people to have purpose in continuing to get better, breaking previous records ...

there’s a purpose in It .... 

Having enough conflict and challenge to raise the bar for all future athletes moving forward.

how much more time do we need to exist in these types of reality? Where the knowing of self is only derived from conflict?  

Im reverted back to the stretching and growing of my own Being. I couldn’t know the magnitude of who i actually am unless i was put to the test. 

but what more does that say about our divine selves?  

How many more social conflicts must we endure to decide to Just Be - and letting that be Enough. 

two babies didn’t live to see 25.  

I’m so tired of this being our Norm. 

and to all the kids that lost their lives this week. 

the atmosphere is saturated with premature death by inevitable social structure. 

Tomorrow ain’t mine - that’s why i did my absolute best to stay present and live today. 

Cant wait to return to the source - heaven crackin right now.  

https://soundcloud.com/forthequltures/womxns-herstory-month-sophia-tupuola

the coffee or a sip of courage.

whatever happens between the drank and the possession afterwards - i can never quite recall,

all I do know is, that some divine narration of experience takes over.

and the words fall out of me in some daring translation of clarity.

and I’m guessing - its the social barriers that refrain them from being breathed into this world otherwise.

yet in these moments of euphoria - in caffeine or the swaying mystery and forthcoming misery of alcohol

there is no damming - there are no barriers inside of me.

Here they come, translating the divine.

here they come, breathing life into our Oneness.

I feel so collectively powerful - taking strides into Our destiny.

He was the first to consciously say “you’re more than enough”

and those words loosened the dam that allowed what followed.

every single one of my romantic interactions have found me to acknowledge the blossoming of my soul in this terrestrial being.  

It’s soul karmatic to hear, in some phrase or another, “you deserve this. You were always the best woman i knew”

I don’t take much directly - as i know my life is a collective force and a collective story of sacrifice.  

But i wonder how i could absolutely Know my value today, have It become a consensus among our city, have It a well known truth in You (in ALL of you) and You still expect me to accept being your 2nd, 3rd or even 4th choice / priority ❗️❗️ 

“You the best thing out here”

BUT not great enough for you to conquer your fears and meet me up here

And still great enough to demean myself while you’re “figuring It out” 

i know my heart is on purpose. And the reason they exist in this expanse of Love i carry is because i didn’t know how to exist any other way. 

I had to sit at the edge of nothingness to allow myself the courtesy of living to sustain the Love i carry in this experience.

and i had to hit the same brick wall multiple times at different intervals to stop believing that this unconditional shit is healthy. 

my treasure from this is knowing i have the capacity to love enduringly and unconditionally. 

to know It, you’d have to do It. And I’ve done It. Time and time again. 

i ain’t really loving them unless I’m behaviorally reflecting that the only way to fuck with me is to meet me Here and nowhere else. 

sad MF truth of evolution.  

And this goes for EVERY love i carry. For my kids, my family. And You MF.  

there’s a woman outside yelling so belligerently into her phone you can barely understand what she’s saying.

the production of her words lost in so much emotion, slandered together so indistinctly the only thing you could clearly detail was her blatant anger and vulnerability. 

i want to yell out the window - upset at my past self for being lost in those same ways, But i sit back and smile a bit - Curious at the sudden disruption of stillness, and intrigued by this strangers escalation of emotion and my surprising amusement and attachment to them.

i am an evolved intelligent being - but my emotions make me human.

the waking of my universe revolves around the consciousness of Being. 

As much as I’d like to beat myself up for falling down rabbit holes of vulnerability, insecurity, fears, pressure and worries,  

i know these things unconsciously in the past have delivered me into these spaces of synchronized alignment. 

I feel so vulnerable right now. 

But it’s a conscious vulnerability, a conscious fear, a conscious insecurity.  

Vices that are so terrifyingly disgusting to look at but worth the direct confrontation. 

i remember how tired i become living in shallow pools of Fear. 

the barriers become a living hell on earth, 

I WILL NOT, live in these confinements!  

and so i figured out ways to address those vulnerabilities of the unknown with humility and walk blindly into my destiny. 

ive been sending the universe mixed signals romantically because I’m still trying to figure out how to exist in this social paradigm without getting lost in It.  

but I’m dead set on knowing exactly what i deserve. 

I deserve wholeness from another human being. 

i deserve the capacity to chase that wholeness while still being able to consciously and affectionately invest in another person who can procreate our awakening sense of self in our one soul.  

I deserve decency and transparent humanness 

i deserve genuine connection that makes time stand still. 

ive experienced pockets of these things - but now I’m telling You - self and Universe.  

That i deserve these interactions from the Men in my life consistently and sustainably.

I deserve that abundance emotionally.

I close my eyes and focus my thoughts to be in no place

And in stillness i am free.

the air is now a piece of me, the space that allows the physical to be, the sunshine warming my eyelids, i am sooo freee, in Me.

i thank the air for Being, for Being sooo long It forgot its destiny, i remind It that we are a part of one tapestry and i inhale it’s Love and know Love in Me. 

my exhale is pure ecstasy, it’s relief of such a long journey. It leaves me graciously and capaciously, permeating the world with buoyancy.

im so free, so free, so freeeeee. 

telling myself “i love me” 

im so free I’m so free I’m so Free. 💓💗💕 

sexy AND spiritual, vulnerable AND strong, wealthy AND in service of the world ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ I’ve been recklessly all things, living a truth not everyone is comfortable with but learning to walk in It blindly nonetheless.