Too much conscious awareness

And not enough presence. 

i get It. I’m aware of every thing. 

This year was my 4th year practicing lent. And every year i grow and stretch a little more in disciplining my vices, detaching self from escape and addiction and developing deep articulation of self with self about self.

i gave up meat for over a month. When i broke my fast for Easter Sunday i threw up every single piece of corn beef i had in me. 

monday i had a turkey sandwich that made my stomach turn  

and today i ate a bbq chicken plate that literally made me cry. 

AND JUST LIKE THAT. 

ive lost an indulgence i relied on heavily to get me through the heartache of human existence. 

im pissed off because I’m becoming less and less connected to other every day human beings.

😭 literally about to cry. 

I gave up meat knowing the atrocities that occur through industrialized farming and hoping to consciously take charge of that energy source.

i know so much about every single thing. I’ve always been in love with the history and context of stuff and this new knowing has left me more isolated than i can bare sometimes. 

and now i have fewer and fewer outlets to make due with the gravity of the load being carried.

I’m tired of the knowing. 

I declare that our reality will be that of Peace. 

that Being will be Enough for everyone to be full in. 

I declare freedom. Not just for me, but for my people dying prematurely.

i declare healing. I declare peace.  

I declare unobstructed access to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

i declare value for every single human being in their chosen social functioning of the whole. 

i want to be set free. I want to be present. With less emotional occupation in the knowing and more Joy in the Now. 

i deserve It.