Weird human addictions to emotion

there’s a woman outside yelling so belligerently into her phone you can barely understand what she’s saying.

the production of her words lost in so much emotion, slandered together so indistinctly the only thing you could clearly detail was her blatant anger and vulnerability. 

i want to yell out the window - upset at my past self for being lost in those same ways, But i sit back and smile a bit - Curious at the sudden disruption of stillness, and intrigued by this strangers escalation of emotion and my surprising amusement and attachment to them.

i am an evolved intelligent being - but my emotions make me human.

the waking of my universe revolves around the consciousness of Being. 

As much as I’d like to beat myself up for falling down rabbit holes of vulnerability, insecurity, fears, pressure and worries,  

i know these things unconsciously in the past have delivered me into these spaces of synchronized alignment. 

I feel so vulnerable right now. 

But it’s a conscious vulnerability, a conscious fear, a conscious insecurity.  

Vices that are so terrifyingly disgusting to look at but worth the direct confrontation. 

i remember how tired i become living in shallow pools of Fear. 

the barriers become a living hell on earth, 

I WILL NOT, live in these confinements!  

and so i figured out ways to address those vulnerabilities of the unknown with humility and walk blindly into my destiny. 

ive been sending the universe mixed signals romantically because I’m still trying to figure out how to exist in this social paradigm without getting lost in It.  

but I’m dead set on knowing exactly what i deserve. 

I deserve wholeness from another human being. 

i deserve the capacity to chase that wholeness while still being able to consciously and affectionately invest in another person who can procreate our awakening sense of self in our one soul.  

I deserve decency and transparent humanness 

i deserve genuine connection that makes time stand still. 

ive experienced pockets of these things - but now I’m telling You - self and Universe.  

That i deserve these interactions from the Men in my life consistently and sustainably.

I deserve that abundance emotionally.