They get louder the further i walk blindly into the abyss, with nothing but a divine truth in my heart and a whisper from my soul.

i would not have found these realities had this stubbornness that binds me here found cause in the collective suffering of this world to subside, for even a moment. 

Ive found a way to walk in every bit of Me. 

to accept in humility that that i cannot change,  

and cause even the mildest hint of a seedling to bloom. 

i am a garden, constantly nourishing the world in which It inhabits and accepting the species, good and bad, valuable and less valuable, predator and prey through which this eco system survives. 

i am of one thing that connects All things.

i will walk hand in hand with my shadows and my vices and accept them for the feat of excellence through which my garden is nourished.  

i am that I Am.

The dreams that really shake me upon waking, aren't dreams of death or seeing demons, or monsters.

They’re dreams of losing my temper.  

I dreamt i got so upset i started punching someone in the face to no avail, Broke room doors and then went on to grab a bat to break tv’s and lamps - anything i could.

i yelled at the top of my lungs at loved ones. 

and i woke up sad. 

My worst fear has always consisted of losing myself to my emotions or betraying someone i loved.

the psychological of that alone, is enough to provoke a living hell on earth.  

In the last 6 months I’ve learned that our fears and our toxic emotions aren’t really bad. They are what make us human, accepting them, instead of demonizing them, make them better to cope with in our journey.

my brother reminded me an hour before his 1st company dinner that we were going. I was at the gym at the time and had to rush home in rain traffic where at least 2 accidents impaired my trip. 

Rushing has to be one of my biggest pet peeves. 

yet i knew honoring my word is the reason i am who i am, and that he relies on my dependability - and may even carry It with him in his own character one day.

upon arriving home my brother got there as soon as i hopped out of the shower and the rush was on again. 

to get dressed and be impressionably well groomed in 10mins. 

i do. But again, the barriers stack up against us in the car - my phone is on 20% because i met with DannyBoy earlier in the day, shot straight to the gym and rushed to be on this excursion with my brother. 

20% and we have to figure out how to get to the dinner in North Beach. 

his energy is excited, yet anxious, he’s never been personally invited into spaces such as these. Where he is honored and belongs. 

traffic was bad, tensions were bad, parking was horrid but we utilized valet for $14 (reckoning the dinner would be free) and tried to figure out where this dinner was. We walked into the wrong place the first time,  

and the discomfort of the rush from the gates began to implode inside of me. The rain, the cold, the waiting, the rushing, the unknown. 

i tried my hardest to acknowledge them within and not carry them over into the waking world - as my little brother did not deserve them, It was his night and he was still hopeful that things were going to work out.

we stood in front of a hall looking into an event knowing It couldn’t be ours - It was too fancy to be ours.

aggravated i kept calming myself within, i have at least 3 immediate projects that need immediate attention, and i have an upcoming two weeks of crazy excitement and crazy deadlines, everything always hitting a spearing need of attention all at the same desperate moment - and we were here wasting time on this sloped street, everything damp, the cold, the growing mist and wind, was this worth my time?

Carlos, his supervisor, finally calls, we were still idly waiting in front of that hall, my mind picking out worst case scenarios of dining at the pizza shop on the corner,

Fred looks at me on the phone, and smiles, 

haha “this is the party” 

almost giddy we don’t stop smiling, our excitement playing off of one another,  

we are kids again! And we don’t openly laugh at ourselves for not knowing, but our beings prepare for the wonder of the inside of the venue. 

there were the best finger foods i ever had in my LIFE, displayed elegantly at the bar, we received our drink tickets and dinner preference tags, shaking hands and returning large genuine smiles - wow, we belong here. You’re being honored here. 

he’s proud to take me to the bar and let me try the first appetizer i thought may have been a krab cake - It was some potatoe concoction and i eat 10 gushing about the night. 

drinks are flowing and welcoming smiles and conversation greet us at every turn. 

we belong. We tell stories of my work dinner last year with the first black woman mayor of San Francisco - and him arriving then leaving. 

we laugh, we exchange energy of gratitude in being and absorb the people and space around us. 

The night was a success - It was a perfect experience. 

I would have missed that experience had i given up when my emotions told me “You don’t like to rush - and because you are you won’t have fun - don’t waste your time, you have too much work to do”  

im glad that loyalty to my word and to the people i love always holds me to a standard LARGER than my emotions. 

or else I’d never have these experiences. 

i know I’m Human. If i were a robot - that could exist without emotions - i wouldn’t be me, id be a thing.

i guess the trick is learning to exist with your emotions, staying rooted in your word - yet always attentive to what your body is telling you.

ive over committed so much in the past It became evident in my growing belly and low energy.

when i put myself and my body first, i navigate my priorities better and do a better job at carrying my fears and emotions without toxically impaling them on others.

welp. That’s Fee 💓

i feel so strong. To have the emotional capacity to address things directly yet carry It with compassion at my foresight. 

Through living conviction i know every breath i breathe every action i set forth in this waking world I’ve done so with Love in my heart, love in my thoughts, love on my tongue and love love love permeating from the infinite and innermost part of my Being. 

There has been so many instances of death feeling better than the realities of my circumstances. 

yet every time God showed me something different. 

even in this new year, walking into It with a brick on my shoulder being told i could possibly have overgrown fibroids and that i may not be capable of having kids on my timeline, It was either now or never,

i let that fear absorb me - then i told It i was gna whoop it’s Ass and went about what i could do in the meantime, PIVOTING and thanking God for every moment of stillness i took to take care of Me.

and I’m here: juggling a fortuitous bounty of opportunity, and actually having the capacity, confidence and wherewithal to do the job. 

i wouldn’t be doing this if i was at Cal and i know that everything is on purpose. 

that no other circumstance would have struck the match under my ass to stay in a shelter and demand equitable housing for a thriving individual who refuses to live by society’s code of value - making large sums of money drowning the every day working person into spending.

every single thing in my life has been done out of love. And if no one gets that - that’s ok with me. Because I’m done living in fear.

im done creating a living hell on earth carrying fear.

im going to be ok if no one gets It. I always have and I’ve always ended up in better places because I’ve walked alone. 

Feeling more connected to the source than ever. 

My space has been compromised. 

And i can’t recharge.  

There is a constant presence of energy in my bubble, and it’s not negative, but it’s intrusive when i need to be alone to recharge.

I carry a lot - that’s why I’m involved in so many moving pieces. 

but my patience gets thinner and thinner doing for anyone else while not doing enough for self.

I cannot be - If i am not healthy.  

and no space disrupts my presence.

where do i signup for mentally ill housing.  

I get to be Love - even when it’s tough. 

And I’ve been doing It more fearlessly than ever lately.  

I’m done sacrificing myself and believing it’s in benefit of others. 

KNOWING i belong, and i DESERVE life to grow love right Now, 

i know i don’t have time to be patient with low frequency relationships. 

being honest with those courtships, romantic and otherwise,  

I’ve freed up pieces of myself that were otherwise consumed with low frequency dilemmas - even though they weren’t mine, they still belonged to me by decree of my character. 

REALLY knowing the Value my presence is alone, i know It deserves the space to keep evolving. 

the space being life liberty and the pursuit of happiness in the waking world

and the space psychologically

- sitting here now, i can move my presence to my subconscious and acknowledge the energy presence of People, in all different relational types to me and to this world - tethered to my consciousness. 

Once i decide to cut someone off psychologically, their presence is still floating around, but unconnected and therefore less obstructive to my psyche energy.

im gna get a bit scattered right now but at least it’s truthful to my present, 

i have to see this man at the boxing gym every time i visit my brother’s sparring sessions. 

His energy is almost hateful. 

And it’s funny because we’ve done nothing directly to amass such an emotion as hate.

ive done a lot of things around him out of insecurity.  

But ive grown out of that. So my attitude is indifference and his is not, it’s a whole bunch of projections of stuff that carry really deep emotional ties that I’m quite taken aback by.

anyhow. This shift into new paradigms of existence real af.

Truth ain’t so bad and I’m a lucky woman to know it’s so deeply. 

yesterday we drove our youth 3hrs up to Sacramento to spend an hour rubbing elbows with our friends in CA Senate and Assembly and drove 2hrs back home,

not before stopping to get the kids some food, and after everyone was dropped off, i had a hard time quieting my thoughts, as i always do.

the event had no media coverage, and the elected officials weren’t particularly engaged, but i had 7 of my kids in an 8 passenger van for an accumulation of 5 hours. The proximity of our bodies made for a closeness you can’t evade, our conversation reflected such, every now and then one person or another interjecting without proper social cues, no filters, no repercussions because we absolutely had to endure the ride this tight together until we reached the end, no boundaries.

The year before i worried that this same tightness in the van on a 5hr commute would somehow make the youth uncomfortable, as only a few youth were close - who had worked together with us before, and a bunch of new kids we picked up throughout the school semester, but i was wrong.

Last year we arrived at this same event where they had nothing satisfying to eat, because the finger foods consisted of bite size raw fish ahi poke and crackers with goat cheese. 

They couldn’t indulge in the merry mingling of adults as they were unwinding, grateful for the open bar and loosening of the day. 

yet ... upon our crossing of the bay bridge, and each one of them slowly waking up, excited to be back home, would go on to ask us, “WHEN WE DOING THIS AGAIN?!!!”

Last year i was worried. 

worried the discomfort of our transportation conditions or the cultural incompetence of the food at the event would leave a distaste in their experience

but 🤗 

these were young men and women, not yet adults and still very much kids.

Kids - who are more in touch with their divine selves because they have yet to encumber the numbing of psychological crisis’ that entrench the adult psyche every moment of life in this waking world.  

Kids whose frequencies exist, even if it’s partially, In a presence that is aligned with the simple Joy of being. 

ive ranted. But this year. I understood this. I stayed in a serene calm in the tightness, in the disappointment of the event and the mingling, and enjoyed the Joy of presence these kids bring to any space they are in. 

today after work, i came home and fell right to sleep.

i missed a text that invited me to a suite at the warriors game, and i missed a feature we had on the jumbo tron for an event we partnered with the warriors and the sfpd, an effort at breaking barriers between law enforcement and the community. 

Upon dropping the kids off lastnight, one of my other kids called to tell me he met Obama. 

He sat on stage with him for the My Brother’s Keeper conference in Oakland the day before. 

im a bit astounded by the range of connectivity. 

maybe 50 percent of my time i feel alone.

disconnected from the collective masses and perilously moving further and further from Its clutches with every waking truth -

from which I’ve recently acknowledged, through a tiresome and lonely journey of deconditioning,

the capacity to tap into the recesses of our ONE infinite soul, where all wisdoms and knowing of experience reside.

The stillness, the loneliness, the hard disencumbering of traditions and norms, brought me into a space where all things were unpuzzled, and all things became one thing.

as words have become a translation of experience, a tool we use to explain It, to digest and decompress, so has become my duty as a conduit for our experiences - im here to translate It to our one soul and awaken different parts of Us to do the same in their own way. 

but it’s all dope ass shit, that I wish i had written here but had been possessed to post It via the medias.

With all this time, EVERYTHING starts a ripple in my being and i gta go all the way back down to the bare bones and resurrect the very first ”why”.

”why” did we construct words

”why” did we identify

”why” did we categorize

and what is the point of storytelling?  

Why did we begin passing on information, and what do we hope to do with It as we grow our collective intelligence?

what meaning does this knowledge give to a timebound human existence

what meaning does this knowledge give to our infinite one soul

history will have no value when the world can no longer sustain human life.

so how can our passing on of awakening grow our one infinite soul? 

... damn. Questions are awesome. 

enjoy my rants! 

Hard times create Strong Men,

Strong Men create good times

Good times create Weak Men

Weak Men create hard times

i read Kaffir Boy last summer, well i didn’t finish, it was too heartbreaking.

tonight, in an unusually quiet home, i stumbled upon The Power of One. 

illuminating Alexandria, Apartheid and the peculiar idiosyncrasies of an inhumane existence.

I blame my Dad for this compassion. 

Through unfortunate circumstances - i fortunately had the alignment with the man i would call Dad.  

Although he is not my blood, he gave me a piece of his soul. 

That compassion drives my stubbornness - the cause for my relentlessness to Live and fight for life.  

The whole of existence happens in One Soul.

and although things seem dire, 

I find myself feeling guilty every day for being healthy and my biological mother is bipolar schizophrenic, 

or that my biological father was so abused as a child he carried the trauma over unto my siblings.  

It gave me my Dad. 

the man who isn’t biologically mine, but gave me the best pieces of his soul,  

the best pieces of his insight in this world

for me to find what pieces i could and pass on the developing picture in this maze of a puzzle we exist in.

i blame my Dad for my heart. 

These stories of South Africa make me feel connected to who i am. 

i don’t see myself in the normal functioning of society as is. 

i see myself reflected in stories such as these. 

my dad and his darn stubborn heart. 

As much as I’d like to exist in this world, carefree, my soul keeps calling me to something more. And I’m finally feeling the surety of It with growing clarity.  

The monotony almost always begins gnawing away at me in the restlessness of the coming and going of each day. 

But in these moments of stillness I’ve found myself sharing more than i normally would have the capacity to react to otherwise.

Because of stillness - I’m sharing, and I’m sharing deeply.

sharing has opened up opportunity that I’m actually prepared to take on  

BECAUSE i worked my butt off last year, i know what I’m capable of, i know how far i can push myself and where i can go.

from living on a couch and out of 2 buckets of clothes i interjected myself onto the University of California Berkely campus, i found myself in a small room with PhD, graduate & undergrad students and thee Angela Davis, engaging her in an inquiry for hope DIRECTLY. 

I fell, i got back up, i stretched and pulled myself in every functioning capacity to arrive in this year, with an almost forced pivoted focus on health and an even more knowledgeable sense of self and what i am capable of accomplishing.

i know i wouldn’t even entertain these opportunities if i was otherwise entrenched in the magic of wonder that finds me on campus at Cal. 

so because i am here - I’ll do my best to throw my entire trust into the channels that lay ahead. 

it feels so wondrous to know this space.  

I am abundant. And I’m so grateful to be awake in this experience.  

There’s at least 5 boys 10 and under playing in the narrow hallway that connect our rooms.

there’s an unsupervised toddler, being shocked by the findings of his explorations - therefore inevitably crying every 10-15mins. 

there’s a cycle of shouting - because kids echo what they see - and communication in households such as ours involve more primitive grunting and handling than anything else. 

there’s a stream of laughing coming from the living room downstairs. The weekend brings a harem of tenants - staying to cut down on the commute from where they live to where they work play and socialize.

my aunt, who is hard of hearing, looking for the baby oil she left in the bathroom, her voice nearly a shout, her patience and temper short, bustling around before dislodging the tent she has up in the backyard - where she has been sleeping temporarily - a necessary collapse as we don’t need any more attention from housing to prompt eviction.

all of this we carry every day we wake up, before we leave our front door.

and yet i still found a way to wake up and feel so blessed that every inch of my skin feels orgasmic.

and I’m sick too - having caught another cold from one of my nephews in the house. 

im sick Ive slept uncomfortably - but i woke up glowing. 

even with my eyes closed trying to relish in more sleep, there’s a smile that starts from the inside and makes its way out when i hear that baby cry outside my door, when i hear the bustling around the house, the fan in the bathroom that probably circulates more funk than It dilutes, the yelling of adults mentally worn down by their psychological circumstances, in the midst of chaos, I’ve found Joy.

i feel completely aligned. 

it gta be that meditation. 

I hear him saying my name – almost chanting it

Over and over and over again.

And I recognize the mechanism of its repetition

Because sometimes in a moment of abrupt stillness - I’ll hear my own subconscious repeating the same name or the same words like a patterned disease growing in vibration from the subconscious back row of my being to now the conscious front row.  

When I accept that I’m hearing his voice

It’s like I’ve opened a flood gate and all of his energy of wanting and loving find me and I am submerged in the expanse of his most vulnerable emotions for Me and for Us.

It’s so much Love. So much Hope for Family. So much.

I cry a little knowing that this Love was meant for me.

and I am affirmed a little more in waiting for it just the same.

I’m accustomed to drowning.

So much so that when my muscles finally grow a conditioned resistance to the current,

when the pain of the cold no longer deludes my sense of Being

and when the tedious struggle for air and life become cherished companions,

at this juncture of acceptance – I have trouble accepting the buoy

Because I know I can fight.

I can live without means – I can live drowning and still be a force showing the ocean how valuable we can be – taunting it to give me its best and showing it how much more alive I can be, nearly dead and on the brink of extinction – I am still.

We are still.

I have trouble accepting the buoy.

But I’ve finally realized that if I save myself I can save a lot more.

If I can live and challenge the ocean in such extremities while drowning,

Imagine what I could do if I wasn’t.

If I live – I’m going to build a bridge. And no one will find themselves drowning as long as we have.

For a brief moment, the consuming nature of being valuable in this made up world almost cripples me.

and as much as I’d love to unpack my shit and find a comfortable place to nestle - to be in harmony with the mediocrity of this space - something strangely and strongly possesses this body.

and like a stubborn reflex - it wont stop living. no matter how many times i psychologically give up during the day.

no matter how much I take on and feel like I cant keep on - its there pulsating like some alien being - never scythed or shaken - some dormant self taking over and for the moments to come I watch from some place deep inside of me - noticing the way my moods, my awareness, my emotions are all taking place outside of myself.

this year - I acknowledge the shadows that carry me.

but I wont get lost in them .

I will stop limiting my Universe - and live honestly in the magic that radiates me.

im so tired of not fitting into what the collective assume is valuable. I’m tired of feeling the angst of that psychological energy - repressing my soul - challenging me every step of the way to conform.

I’m tired of waiting for a reality where I don’t have to try so hard to fit in.

to be valuable and know connection.

alas. that is what I’m really afraid of - what I am really emotionally exhausted by

not having enough connection.

Trap n Paint In Oakland tonight fed my soul. 

my Being loves being present to the beauty that creates the unique culture of a space and time - ultimately, culture is the way people inhabit space. 

& no one inhabits space quite like black and brown folk. 

to the historical strides we make and developing our collective consciousness, expanding our narrative and owning our value! 

Every night i feel the gratitude of Being as i let the entirety of Me slip into an ease of peace.

in this solitude i can recharge. 

there is so much more i can ask the Universe for, and so much more i can become fearful of losing - in this perfect space of Now.

right Now is so delectably satiating - i don’t want Now to end, because i can’t think of a more perfect moment, although i know i must ask for more - more time, more health, more peace and comfort - more opportunity to build this bridge of Love in Unity. 

I must think to live beyond the Now, while living explicitly in its limits. 

so I’ll utilize my gratitude, 

and i am now the magnetizing force of the More my being requires.

because i choose to care for my well being, my peace, my gratitude, my love, my joy, my presence, i choose to Live - to sustain and preserve my own life, means i choose to let Love LIVE. 

My choice to live tells the Universe of my gratitude - tells the Universe of an unconditional Love. Tells the Universe of Hope, of the beauty of Unity.

And it’s magnetizing - so magnetizing the abundance of tomorrow I feel It in this infinite Now - in the timeless Now - where all moments exist in this very moment. And that’s why it’s so hard to ask for more.

i know all things are working together in synchronized perfection. 

and there’s nothing i wasn’t more sure of.

grateful 💓🔮 

Seeing you in your Joy makes my soul smile. 

It heals my soul having to be connected to you in these indirect ways.

i held on with no answer

because hoping you were more than just a fling 

Was exactly what i needed to have faith in Men again - in people...

so no answer - was a hopeful plea my soul put out into the universe for Connection.

thats really all we are longing for. 

to know our souls in actualization of another.  

My disappointments in people shouldn’t ride on the Hope that You are a decent human being.

You are You - deserving and actualizing your own soul in your own time. 

i think I’ve found my own way to know Hope without a muse. To accept my own shadows and walk hand in hand with them into this new earth.  

My shadows teach me of the humanness of others. 

my capacity to grow with them means that others can too.

grateful.  

Today Rudy Corpuz of United Playaz held space on stage with some of today’s political Giants! 

It was a huge ordeal, being that Nancy Pelosi, recently elected Speaker of the United States House of  Representatives was present and the keynote address.

When It was finally Rudy’s turn to speak, 

the passion in his voice demanded a presence from the audience that only someone aligned with their God Being could do.

he told the untold,  

the histories of his people in this space. 

the histories of our collective fight,  

Only in San Francisco can someone like Rudy hold space in these ways, speak in these ways, and be valuable in such magnanimous capacities. 

He told our truths so bluntly - Culturally Compotent - in Our language - with no hint or glimmer of regret for not being politically correct.

he shouted out all the partnering organizations who have stood in these undervalued and disenfranchised spaces and continued to hold space, fighting for Equity.

and along with APRI - he said my name on stage. 

“Project Level” 

“APRI” 

”Sophia” 

”Uncle Damien” 

i know God, Universe creator. I am You and You are Me. 

And I know if I want this Love i carry to manifest, i gotta let It shine sometimes.

so Thank You.  

For letting the Love i carry grow in these capacities. 

because i was aligned with this channel to grow the Love i carry - its blossoming in the people around me has grown this attention. 

and i know i can’t keep running from the platform. Being fearful of attention. 

I carry this attention knowing that i am nothing without the other. There is no other, just US. 

so i will accept this luxury and wield the greatest investment of Love and build spaces of togetherness. 

i love you. Thank you. 

I had the weirdest dream last night.

We had this new huge house and everyone was getting settled in new rooms.

I went upstairs and there was an entrance to a balcony that oversaw a church hall in the house.

I sat and watched strangers try and get into the door, they looked like people visiting a museum, curious about the old house,

Once they stepped through the door, a bunch of beautiful big boned black women with red hair, dark eyes and white robes would lift the person up and suddenly they all stabbed whoever It was through the back, and i watched the blood fill their clothing from the front and then they’d drop.

They were protecting this white casket.

After 2-3 people. I went to the door. This time the women in white didn’t stop me at the door, they stood behind the casket.

I went to open the casket and then the entire room went dark and i was in an infinite black space.

I seen a mild spot light that captured my attention then suddenly i seen something coming out of a body of water.

I am close enough to this being that our noses could touch if i just inched in a bit closer.

This person begins rising out of the water, first a peak of the forehead, she rises, now her eyebrows, her movement slow and deliberate,

Finally i meet a blinding gaze of white eyes, her nose still under water, she sustains her piercing into my soul for what seems like a lifetime, long enough for me to notice the tinge of blue on her dark skin, as if It was being met by the moonlight, and the almond shape of her eyes, wait, they were my eyes.

Once i understood that i was looking at myself, she rose the rest of herself out of the body of water and floated in the mild light, that must have been moonlight.

Her white eyes never leaving its magnetizing gaze with mine, she floats in the moonlight, her hair long and a bright red.

I woke up and couldn’t stop thinking about her.

Couldn’t stop thinking of her white eyes.

I’ve been reading so much about this new moon, and the new dimension we have shifted into.

It sounds crazy to say, but i swear, we are collectively learning again the power of our being, bringing about new realities of existence.

This stillness is met at odds. 

The afternoon means a restlessness i can’t quite comprehend. 

why am i so mentally exauhsted by the nothingness, the unremarkable monotonous day? 

i miss the grit of overextending myself, the challenge of being and doing everything.

i find no joy in being rested, in being so completely bored, so unremarkably unenthused.

to live an every day life seems impossible. 

but it’s a life i must live right now. 

i try not to be upset at the conversations that hover around me. 

To watch the emptiness of others express itself through over indulgence in toxic extremities. 

To entertain the facades of social identities. 

what was so gratifying about being so busy?

was i running from this emptiness? 

most things have lost their flavor

the ease of accessibility drowns out the desire to be known and feel connected in these artificial ways. 

Why doesn’t anything feel like enough?  

Do i not feel like I’m enough?  

I criticize myself for having such a skewed value system -  

Am i only worthy of the space I take up if I’m working myself to the bone? 

Am i only remarkable if i become everything, do everything, know everything?  

Why do i only feel valuable when I’m operating at that magnitude?  

I am the same being then and now.  

Its just now, I’m forced to slow down. 

i pray in these coming moments i feel valuable in exactly who i am right now. 

the being inside the woman listening to her soul whisper to her body - telling her to rest. 

to find balance between passion and peace.

once i find presence in that balance - i will know every joy i hope for.