And it’s a 70 year old Black BayArea newspaper - The Sun Reporter 🤗⚡️ 

God, remind me to accept what i cannot control.

i will move as much as i can. 

pivot and shift, 

become boundless from within with every stripping away of form identity.  

I will narrate my movements with abundance and complete synchronicity.  

Because i am Beauty, i am abundance, i am the Infinite, i am the one being, one soul that is of all things. 

accepting the pain of that juncture of duality is my peace. 

i will stay alive and fight with as much capacity as this form can endure. 

Thank you for another day of Love. 

another day of Hope. 

another day of growth. 

in this perfect moment I AM FREE. 

my soul hums in this infinite now. 

my rest is on purpose. 

my soul illuminates my body and lives beyond physical form.

and i am Free again and again and again.  

I got a pelvic exam today, and apparently my cervix was pushed out to one side.

the practioner couldn’t feel the fibroid, but suspected, due to my symptoms, and the angle of my cervix, that there was in fact a Broid.

What stops them from growing...

pregnancy 

i feel almost persecuted for not settling.

but i have so much Trust. 

every single time God took me through anything that made me uncomfortable,  

that humiliated an attached sense of “self” or identity, 

i came out more Free than i could have ever dreamed to be.

Universe. I know you’re listening. 

i am going to carry my child in my womb, in THIS lifetime. 

and i am going to care for my body like I am meant to do so. 

im sorry for acting like anything otherwise, being so reckless with myself emotionally, within and outside of this temple of being, but from this point on, 

i will care for this body like it’s going to carry the baby, the soul i am meant to bring into this world.  

A soul that has walked with me lifetime after lifetime, us finding each other, growing our one soul, over and over and over again.

baby, i will know you. And i will treat my body like It deserves you.

you deserve to be here.  

Because our One Soul isn’t done growing yet. 

and it’s up to us to grow the space, the culture, and the history that knows Hope. 

2019 i will care for my body as if i am caring for you. 

i love you! As i love myself.  

In an emotionally heated argument, He recognized that some people see Just the pot the plant is potted in, It is the foundation that holds the soil and the plant together, some people see the beauty of just the plant, not recognizing the foundation or the soil that nurtured It, then there’s me, “You see the soil” - and know the inner workings of everything It takes to make the plant grow and give the pot purpose. You understand the interrelationships that create life, from the beauty of the sprout, the purpose of the pot and the wonders of the soil.

and again, All Things feel like One Thing.

i try to explain to him, how he could create analogy from something as complex as my behavior and not apply this perspective to our disagreement on what “Humble” means.

how the word itself can be illuminated differently by whomever is wielding It through their contextual relationship with It.

how do we understand anything, if not in relationship with some historical and/or social context. 

in these instances, my “gut” always shouts truths, the ones that go against the lines of societal norms, that make you look bat shit crazy because It hasn’t grown in collective public consensus yet.

Because the Universe taught me the hard lesson of walking alone, and leading me to pockets of society that heard these truths too and began working on growing its scientific / societal awareness.

i no longer peel back when the truths my soul whisper to me make people feel uncomfortable, upset their ego, or shake up someone’s reality. 

And it’s just comforting acknowledging yet again, how important the loneliness was, the pain. 

the discomfort i felt living in this prison of a society lead me to seek. 

and i finally found the confidence to trust my gut. 

to Trust the God that lives dormantly in me, waiting to be alive in Trust. In Presence.

Loud noises will have me ducking and looking back like i had money on my head. 

If it’s right behind my house, for a second in my sleep, my first conscious thought is, “you’re dead” , accept the pain that follows next. 

today we gave away 200 Christmas trees in the Bayview, in nonstop rain, thanks to D. Brown and the coalition he built around his networks.

Although we were in the Bayview, our brown and black faces were still the minority, compared to the other workers and volunteers.

nothing was culturally appropriate about the party  festivities.

and although we were in our own backyard, their dominance overshadowed our beauty. 

the way they decorated was as unseasoned as they are in everything they do. 

and Here i am again in my critical thoughts, alas finding gratitude for the pain. 

THEY in everything they have to offer is like UNSEASONED CHICKEN.  

They have no reason to be creative, to be imaginative, to think outside of the box and create beauty with things that were not a part of the plan. 

they have no reason to think and be conditioned in these ways because they never had to. They are tragically privileged. 

and then there is US, making SOMETHING out of NOTHING. Making BEAUTY and MAGIC out of tragedy.

and it made me smile knowing, that our pain brings this world BEAUTY and CULTURE. 

imagine if They did really run this world. Everything would be unseasoned. The entire world would be luke warm. 

even though their unconscious privilege pisses me off til kingdom come... 

i gta say, the way they look down on us, and profit off of our culture, prompt the rising beauty we become.  

and i guess that’s the beautiful tragedy of life of form, knowing beauty within duality.  

My soul feels like it’s waiting to meet itself over again in You.

its longing to know itself deeper.

to be out of the loneliness that has bound us in ego, and become infinite by finding itself over and over and over again in You. 

wherever you are. I love you. 

and my soul has been waiting.  

I keep forcing myself to want things. To want better, maybe I’m too conditioned settling for poverty and taking the easy way out knowing I’m going to depart this world prematurely.  

To want more, than what is present. I see so much beauty, and i know i could build and create so much more... if i just had a chance to Live.

but the things i am forcing myself to manifest, don’t find actual existence.

and It reminds me of my ex.  at one point i would have given a limb to know a family and a life with Him.

today, I’m grateful my God self knew better, and lead me here. 

maybe, it’s not the time yet for the luxury of a life without immediate crisis, or the stress of dying prematurely. 

I will accept that there is yet still, something here for me to learn. 

and I’ll be ok with that. 2019 I’m going to do more to take care of Me. 

For the last 6 months I’ve dreamt of being next to a body of water.

suddenly the shoreline begins to shallow out and the water recedes into itself. 

Its building the biggest wave I’ve ever seen. 

I’m afraid. 

surely this wave will kill me, and destroy everything i love and value. 

sometimes in my dream i ride the wave. Other times, if i don’t accept It, I’m fighting within the currents of its wrath, trying my hardest not to drown.

lastnight, i dreamt i rode It, as i was riding i was passing up some of my family and decided to get off and die with them. 

i managed to get everyone into a home and bunkered us in, the waves seemed to have subsided but now there was a storm & the Jungle that was once barricaded, was set free by the ocean.

someone was left outside, and that person was running from wild cats, Tigers, black panthers and one more i couldn’t quite discern.  

Letting that person in i knew i would have to fight off a wild cat, but would dare not leave him out to die for not trying. 

the Tiger got in, 

i was afraid.  

I grappled with tiger, It locked Its jaw on my arm, and with some unknown power i flung Him off of me like a dog. In anger he tried to devour everyone else in the home but i got him out just in time.

the tsunami in my dream feels like All of the opportunities that flood my grasp in the waking world. 

The wave is coming, and i can decide to ride It or suffer inside of It by not accepting It. 

the tiger in my dream is still a bit of a mystery. I remember him so clearly.

in the waking world the tiger is likely the fight. 

the idea of the fight is fatiguing.  

But the reality of It, isn’t as bad as we thought it’d be. 

and we are surprisingly grateful for the fight afterwards.  

Grateful for the fight every day with the Tiger. 

i don’t want to fight with him everyday but because i do, I’m stronger. I’ve built a muscle i didn’t even know i had.

i wouldn’t know the extent of my capacity if It wasn’t for my experience grappling with this Tiger.

afterwards, i know i can do anything. 

and that’s the gift. 

no one wants to wake up every day and fight a tiger. 

therefore no one will know the magnitude of their being, the possibilities,

they will always live in some box, cradled by their fears. 

although i did not consciously choose to fight this damn tiger every day. 

my soul knew what It needed to experience in this lifetime and i find myself in awe continually awakening to its calling. 

-with Love, a dreaming FEE$ 

that morning the house felt warm. In every room of this home was a crowding of sleeping bodies. 

What usually ails me of our conditions, brought me strange, but familiar comfort.

pieces of my heart were all warm, safe and asleep in their beds. 

The rain does that to you, remind you how lucky we are to share this crowded space.

we are warm and we are loved, what more could you ask for on such a morning as this?  

I love their quiet breathing. Their dreams bring my energy to peace and i have someone in my bed to share that presence with.

we whisper of all the nothings and somethings that structure the beginning and unknown of existence. 

the “whys” and the “ifs”  

reality and obscured dreaming. 

He has such a gift for bringing himself to presence. 

he unknowningly understands that his energy must retain a sense of Joy and ease.

And with that objective, has mastered the art of Acceptance.  

He is firm in his intuition and the silent truths that lead him down his own stream.

How did he find this space of oneness and peace so abundantly, so quickly, so confidently?  

It took me so long to get here, 

and here he is, fluidly drifting with the oneness of the Universal current.  

His mindfulness gives me comfort.  

& i know no matter how brief or how long, the Universe is always completely on purpose about the interjections of energy placed upon our paths. 

gracious to take a piece of his mastered acceptance with me and blossom better ⚡️ 

In relations I find myself growing through the same lessons of pain over and over and over again.

Each time I awaken a little deeper, innerstanding each reaction of conditioned trauma, innerstanding no matter how hard I try, my soul just wont let me settle for my wants, it knows what it needs and will fight me every leisurely step in the wrong direction i go.

Shouting subconsciously of it’s values, projecting every imaginable and unimaginable force field to keep out all who do not meet the expectation of true soul connection.

I get lost, trying to balance my soul with the human that is me.

the wants like fire under my skin, the gravity of Him, that I try and mask others with, that I try desperately to fit in His hole.

I get lost and find myself right back here.

understanding that my soul is too deep to settle for the world,

waiting to share that space, timelessly, in His soul presence.

Until then I’ll just be… “growing” through some thangs.

i let my soul Live, and It found so many beautiful ways to tell me I love you.

 😭 thank you for these beautiful reflections of Love. 

Love Fee. 

To the stars that anchored my mind and still my soul, the stars that are heaven and became earth, the stars that are wrapped up inside of me, listening and whispering to the unspoken of being, 

i manifest my most excellent self, my most ancient self.

I let live ABUNDANCE.

i let go of all the suffering that lead me to believe that Joy was too much love for me, other people needed It more. 

-now i know, that I AM the source of Love. I cannot be the Love i want for others if I am not adequately taken care of. I deserve abundance, and the infinite that created the miracles of the Universe will make It so, and i will lovingly accept the God calling of LIVING, through abundance.

I let live LOVE.  

my ego existed dormantly and most inconspicuously here. i was always afraid to be weak, to be vulnerable, to be rejected, i was afraid of feeling inferior, to be lost in nothingness, sameness, to not matter. I let go of those human fears of inferiority.

-we all play a role in God’s awakening, every form in the entire universe a part of an experience, a growing of 1 consciousness, as ALL things are ONE thing.

so in that, i let live Love. I am valuable without attachment, i am valuable because i am present. 

i let live the manifestation of my own Family.

i let live my deeply melanated babies from my own womb, to challenge me, to reflect back to me, the wisdoms of our one soul, to anchor, to give Hope, and to carry on the growing and stretching of our God experience in these bodies in this Universe. 

And i let live their Daddy too. 

To reflect our one soul, to draw me closer to my God presence, to excite me, to secure me, to share and manifest destinies with. 

I let go of waiting for wholeness to happen sometime later and i accept wholeness is happening right now. 

i let go of every one and everything that stops me from creating Present Joy in all spectrums of Life. 

thank you 💓

you’ve been manifesting so urgently and abundantly. 

When i find myself getting comfortable in monotony,  

you remind me how critically short life is waiting for the future or living in the past.

It’s been such a year observing my consciousness through the infinite Now. 

all things feel like one thing.  

All breaking and making feelings, create themselves right now, in ourselves and reflected back to us in the people you send us.

i just can’t believe the magic in my being.  

I love you.  

i always find myself in this space, critically breaking down the happenings of societal archetypes and human emotion.

these ephiphanies may never find the light of day outside of the interactions of healing i often find myself in, being the go to person when trouble is afoot. 

I love that somehow the universe created this space for me, to track the magic of connectiveness, and truly understand the power of inner-standing. 

so here we go. 

my girl broke down today. 

And she broke down about things that have long been gone and done. 

she cried about her childhood guilt, childhood fears, and childhood mistreatment. 

it nearly floored me how much pain she was carrying from what seemed like lifetimeS ago. 

and finally. In that space of grief, i understood in some capacity, my Mother. 

My Mom cries about the same childhood traumas during every peaked conflict or familial challenge we incur.  

i get so disappointed by the way It possesses her presence.

she projects no emotion, because of her overwhelming emotions of anger, grief, sadness, bitterness... unacceptance.

she is led completely by her emotions and masquerades within the world as a brick house, needing nothing and no one.

my girl was crying over something that happened 15-20 years ago.

she cried so hard It completely enveloped her present happiness. 

my mom has been carrying stuff for 40 plus years. 

her Ego has learned to spin things to satisfy her projection of self identification in such a way that she can’t help but find a multitude of routes back to that comforting space of “Me and mine”  “MY PAIN” “MY STORY” “MY RIGHT [to be a shit person because I’ve been shitted on 40 years ago]”

i don’t know what type of magic my Dad spoke into my life as a child. At a very young age, i felt compassion for the parents that birthed me, their story, their trauma and tragedy that arrived me into the loving arms of my adoptive parents (who are nothing short of my parents Parents).  

But at a tender age i knew Acceptance. 

my birth parents were critically unhealthy, run entirely by their weaknesses, and could not care for me. 

some kids, let that make them feel inferior, they got lost in that narrative of “i wasn’t good enough for even my parents to change” 

but at that tender age, i was grateful for the Love that surrounded me. 

grateful for the parents that took me in, grateful for the story we have struggling in this dog eat dog city.  

My girl reminded me how important ONE voice is.

the voice she hears in her head is her step mothers, never good enough, never valuable. 

the one i hear that has led my life is my fathers. 

Valuable, exactly the way you are, special, beautiful, phenomenal, outstanding, wondrous.  

We cant go back and change what has already happened, but we can choose to be better today. 

choose to listen for the sounds of Love that we have right now.

And forgive with such unprecedented acceptance.

to be capacious *in my Angela Y. Davis voice*

im so lucky to have had that ONE voice that has helped to shape the entirety of my life. 

i cried today. My first baby began openly complaining about the burden I am on her life.

my ego spoke of all of the sacrifices I’ve made for her,

but my soul knew, those sacrifices are the reason she values her life more than mine. 

our interactions have never shown her that i value my own life. 

of course I’m investing my time otherwise, but when It came to her, i tried my best to give her everything i could to help her actualize her truest self and purpose no matter how much of Me i sacrificed to deliver her there. 

my tears gave me a smile when i realized this.

all of our discomforts signal back in.

now, the challenge will be, moving away from patterned behavior of picking up the pieces and helping, towards more investment, even in this increment to inner peace, and valued presence.  

letting go of that casual fix i held onto for nearly 2 years, i told myself i was going to date.

and here i am. Enroute to meet a brand new human being with no ties to myself or my family, other than the shared city we live in. 

and i see my ex. Lol.  i don’t naturally see him out anywhere, since ever.

and here i am, finally taking a step toward dating after he broke my heart 4 almost 5 years ago and i see him in the gas station with his soon to be fiancé.

it was crazy being in a moving vehicle and seeing their interactions through the station’s glass paneling. 

It was like watching what my life was 5 years ago. 

It made my heart smile.  

Seeing him committing, and knowing Love is in his objective.

it made my soul smile knowing the promise God has for this life. 

what they have was all i ever wanted at one juncture in time. 

My soul feels at peace. I was so heartbroken, i never would have dreamed of the life i lead today.

It reminded me of the infinite mystery of our one being.

it reminded me to trust.  

it’s fall in San Francisco.

Our days don’t run until 9pm anymore, the night finds us at 7 these days.

and on our usual sunny mornings in bayview, we’ve been greeted with a crisp and foggy air.

The year has already begun winding down, and so is our being.

we transition from all the possibilities of the outside world and find our lives intersecting more frequently in these cozy inside settings.

there is freshly peeled, and lightly smooshed ginger boiling in water, in our office makeshift kitchen.

in 20 minutes we can finally pour our cups and enjoy.

the ginger has tinted the water to a bronze-ish gold.

the tea is bitter, the ginger feels like it burns your tonsils before going down.

You don’t necessarily like it at first, but then …

all the dormant cells inside of you begin to dance.

and now youre addicted to ginger tea. you smile walking to the pot for the 4th time this morning refilling your cup.

you smile at it’s treasure because you will now take this secret with you and share it with others.

and youre grateful to know the anal yet excitable filipina woman who makes this tea every year during the cold.

you take her story with you when you make this tea for your family.

and that’s beautiful.

I’m so in love with the treasures I get to take with me knowing others as intimately as I’ve grown to know them in this awakened consciousness.

I hope to acknowledge more instances of human interaction through the simple things we come to learn, love and share like Ginger Tea.

waking up to an abundance of reminders. Love has never been too far, and It will always find a way to be around and show you that miracles still exist, the infinite is in You.