whenever I’m here, i can’t find myself manifesting more worry.

but something needs to be free when it’s that aching to be loose, these words are usually bigger than me.

so here we go... 

i adore you.  

But what beguiles me most, is the premise of my adoration. 

i thought It was availability, until i brought myself to write It out, and come to mind all the men who make themselves available to me.

I adore sharing presence with you.

it reminds me to be hopeful in Love.  

And Love always subconsciously reminds you of the infinite.

I know It is in my power to manifest a reality where i believe that i deserve to be further aligned and connected with the infinite through Love. 

and everyday i will speak adundance in Hope, and affirmation that Love does exist in this climate. 

Miracles exist in this climate

But Dear You, Thank you for bridging me into this realm of hoping in Love.

I’ve enjoyed our time, and I’m ready to manifest and accept real Love.  

i prayed for this space. 

and now that I’m in It, the God Being that has been longing to just Be, 

has found another crisis to delay its vibrancy.

I have the space, but my mind, my thought process still isn’t Free.  

And instead of accepting the discomfort of not being completely emancipated of the Ego, 

every moment I’m fighting a silent warfare of the mind. 

Disciplining myself to believe in others again, but most important to believe in Me,

And my ability to make it through a hopeless time. 

i am vulnerable, and It is ok.

kids are dying everyday, and It is ok. we share one soul, their death was a part of an awakening of one consciousness, so when i choose to live, It is a step in building the shift of our collective psyche.   

parents do mental, emotional and physical harm to their kids every day by not knowing how to address their own pain body in a healthy way. 

And It is ok. Society has become feeble through access and technology. The bad that happened in my life, was a part of my conditioning. When you choose to Live, there is no good and bad, there is just Being, accepting the fluidity and embracing the spaces and moments of Now our one soul aligned you to.   

i am in a lonely space of saying No. 

lots of No’s to men, in which i partially defer to the energy of my ego... that’s likely why nothing has made any soul connecting progress.  i should be more transparent about my interactions, the ego likes the safety net of superficial and inflated attention (not to self: i shall find this balance of being present in this platform of social interactions via social media, while not feeding into those inflation practices via shallow exchanges).

Lots and lots of No’s in being comfortable in social norms.

i likely have ptsd.  

Beautiful and simple moments make me cry.  

Like when my kids stop what they’re doing, and are present. Hearing their soul, embracing their vibrancy. I want to cry because i get to see their God Being (People lose that the older they become and more conditioned they are to serve their ego and pain body, they forget what It really means to be present).

and other really triggering traumatic moments.

this range has still yet to be defined. there are so many moments of helplessness that arise understanding the depth of our human inferiority.

the history of It is disturbing and so is presently walking in It. 

anyhow. 

to say No. is a lonely space. 

i will embrace accepting, and i will manifest abundance. I will focus on the assets of our historical context. I will define the challenges as the counter that pressures the diamond and develops the maturity of all life.

because IG seems a bit over saturated. I had to make sure i captured this exchange of love somewhere. 

I felt this gratitude digesting my day at City Hall with 4 new boys today.

I couldn’t believe it’s a part of my soul’s journey to share space with kids like these. 

The ones who come from imperfect families, imperfect households, imperfect neighborhoods, imperfect schools, yet still find a way to Live, and at that smile. 

their existence alone reminds me to Hope.  

And God. Am i happy to know their light and love.  

As much as i enjoy my solitude.  

I need regular intervals of human interaction.

when we optimize the best possible life experience: 

it’s either: 

a) being in a space with 2 or more people you absolutely love

b) being in a shared space with complete strangers who share a common excitement. 

Why are we called to each other?  

The only way to be known is through the space we share together,

the only way anything holds meaning, or exists, is in interaction with other human beings. 

our purpose for living, is to grow in knowing self through knowing one another. 

its still a bit over my head but It makes perfect sense to my Soul. 

To be real, God had to make others.  

To create culture, to create time, you have to share space with another being to make It real.

to be. We have to exist together. To grow. We have to exist together.  

To understanding life holistically. 

I fight with my ego every Wednesday I’m in class.

they are talking about my life, theoretically, statistically, structurally, economically and socially. 

Yet i fight myself to get a word in. 

i think maybe my presence is too big for this class room. Then again, i don’t feel like i fit in. i try my hardest and say the words to myself and wonder if it’s my ego that wants to be heard or does the collective voice of my community deserve a space of value in this room of graduate and doctorate students? 

these are all the words of query I’ve spoken to myself thousands of times over that these white students are learning and being amended for. 

“What is Urban Blight for $300?” 

i don’t fit in, not here in the university or at home in the hood. 

but by God i know I’m on purpose. 

i feel my books calling me. 

trying to unlock this internal mystery of ongoing inquiry. 

Its like everything that excited me, arrived me here in this classroom trying to build a bridge from the scholars in this space to the streets that causes my heartache.  

i feel challenged. And that’s always a good thing. 

ow. Yea, jesus, Universe, One God.  

Thank you for sending me Hope in people.

signed

-that brown girl Fee.  

i still know beauty in my being and i still have the universe pulsating inside of me.

goodnight.  

ahhhh. My hair is unkept, my toe toes a month and a half without a pedicure, the hair on my chin is unsightly, and this may be the 3rd time I’ve washed and reused these lashes.

but i feel beauty. 

ive been still, i have a itch about me that is drawn to do and be excited. It feels like the beauty of the universe is swelling inside of me, pulsating and growing, it’s aura permeating out of me, I FEEL BEAUTY. 

and i don’t know what to do with It. 

i want to love on every presence i get to share space with.  

Yet i am in love in my own space

I’m so giddy it’s driven me to hysteria and i wish everyone had this secret beauty i get to know right now.  

i feel the echo of my ex lovers subconsciously saying my name. I hear the Love in their thoughts and It makes me Love the presence i am in right now even more.

this is the beauty God wants us to know.  

The Joy of Now.  

In utter and complete acceptance.  

  awakening has encroached on my intimate relations. 

An old fling found himself at the center of my vulnerability in the wake of all this heartbreak.

My patience lost its stamina, my temper is raging inside of me, and my need for Hope, became an eminent urgency to cling onto Life.

As a woman, all i had to do was choose a stream to jump in. I chose a stream of immediate convenience, because that’s exactly what the human in me needed, Convenience.

it’s almost rude how awfully reflective everything in existence is of the thought process and energy field we carry, because he was in our past, what he is today, a tragically convenient human being, as most men are... nope. As most human beings are.

I don’t think i have ever really known this with this frequency of consciousness, I’m sure we say It all the time, but to have tried to take that route in desperation, but with complete consciousness, the pattern has become too evident to not be affirmed in. 

Everyone is heartbroken, even him, finding convenient methods of coping with the cruelty of humanity, perpetuating those same cruelties by sleep walking through this system of “societal order”.

i can probably talk about boxing for days and weeks and maybe months.

i can talk about business almost as congruently.  

i can vent about family, about space and place. I can vent about everything and anything under the sun, but i will not vent in pattern.

if I haven’t altered my acceptance of something i can not change, i have no room to complain where the Universe saw fit to condition my soul’s maturity.

if i haven’t altered behavior patterns to change a situation or circumstance, i have no place to complain about where i currently stand in life. 

S E T T L I N G.

i could not have a regular conversation. I couldn’t talk about people, i refused to talk about patterns and i could not talk about buying into, in any form or fashion, the consumer mentality of “Life”. 

My soul needed to be nurtured, physically, psychologically, mentally and emotionally.  

And i had no leftover patience to wake this man up. 

I knew in those parting conversations, that settling was just something my stubborn ass could never do.

I will not settle for a life of slavery. 

i will not settle for a life of not living to see 60, 

and being a utility to the status quo.  

My soul already made its mind up.  

So no. I can’t have regular conversation anymore. 

My soul needs to be fed, not my ego.  

Do we really manifest the realities of our subconscious?  

I don’t know if i asked for all of this?  

Signed, 

i need a consistent channel of Hope. 

our collective human psyche has reached a toxic and hazardous high.

I WILL LIVE.

if suddenly i died in this moment, thank God for the moments leading up to now that i chose to Live. 

to accept the pain, the hunger, the turmoil, the conflict and challenge.

TO ACCEPT the unknown, and be ok, trusting God, and the fluid movement of your soul in this lifetime to know what It needs and to be carried away in its current like a moth to light.  

How about that for a scary narrative?  

I WILL LIVE.  

In acceptance of human cruelty, human inferiority, and misplaced emotions.

I WILL LIVE. Accepting my soul’s purpose, my god purpose.  

Thank You for right now. I know freedom in the acceptance and moments of right now.  

I love my existence. In all it’s imperfections i am in love with the duality that produces life. 

God my trust in you has grown bigger than who i ever believed myself to be.

these trying times have revealed how confident i am in the truths you’ve purposed my soul.  

i feel like i know peace a little deeper. 

thank you for the emotional discipline and the unwavering trust i get to experience walking in your calling.

i am abundant. I am emotionally cared for in you.

thank you. For being what i cannot be alone.  

Amen.  

BUT! 

God continue to flow through me. 

thank you for the spaces and places you’ve put me in. I know the intervention of the Godly presence in me is needed.

thank you for this perfect timing. 

thank you for the acceptance of right now.  

Thank you for the peace i feel in being connected to you, trusting you. 

thank you for being enough, because i am nothing on my own.

thank you for surrounding me with Love.

Unconditional and real Love.

thank you for the conflicts and challenges that arrive us all to Real Agape Love. 

thank you for being the center of my existence. 

i lean on you for Hope. 

and i pray to awaken the ancestral wisdoms and confidence that lives inside of me. 

thank you for the radiance of my skin.

thank you for letting my eyes reflect the determination of my soul.

thank you for the beauty i feel in my body. 

and thank you for letting me exist magicly and gratefully as the best and ultimate version of me. 

thank you for loving me. 

thank you for living through me. 

RIP JUNE #KingTao

RIP JUNGLE #ItsAJungleOutHere  

#ItsAJungleOutHere

I’ll see you when it’s clever big dog. Going to miss you down here more than i can say.  

August 6th, 2017. 

 😭 Just one magical ass trip. 

Universe, send me a bag, and we’re all going back to know that magic and be rejuvenated, filled up with hope, and ready to conquer the next year.  

i pray and put into the universe this same excitement, gratitude and MORE / BETTER experiences and PRESENCE! 

I can’t quite figure out how my emotional displacement from society can cripple my vision in such extremities as they have. 

i don’t know why, but It feels like a job waking up in the morning. When I’m awake though, i have so much gratitude for the small things, but to think about people, this life then becomes a job... One i can’t figure out a value for. 

I have yielded so many things to my advantage, but for whatever reason, It has become harder and harder to fall in love with human beings.

& i guess that is reflective of myself. 

Am i not satisfied with the wonder and unknown. Or the wave of the universal current?  

why am i so fickle?  

-because i do not know. 

and i guess that’s beautiful. 

im determined that my energy finds hope in people again, especially Hope in myself. 

i depend so definitely on the affirmations of my work in others to mirror my worth. 

i pray that when i wake, i find Hope in myself so i can have Hope in others.  

ive been reading Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane, an autobiography of Mark’s life growing up in South Africa during apartheid.

the articulation of suffering and inhumanity, It is like nothing I’ve read, watched or have experienced. 

the black body in South Africa during this time may hold parallels to the native body in North America during colonization. 

Except, the black body in South Africa was dehumanized further.  

Their utility to the white man, didn’t hold the same significance as slaves held to colonizers in America.

their existence, was a threat to the space that had been occupied. 

This particular story of suffering, reminds me to be grateful.

ive had so much attitude being tired, carrying too much, this story had reminded me to acknowledge the histories that have arrived people like myself to opportunity although still obscured but very much so present to myself and others like me.

im going to do my very best to make great and sustainable decisions.

i am... my ancestors wildest dreams.  

Your longings become realities. 

this time, i want to make sure my manifestations are on purpose and aligned with my value, truth,  and purpose 💙 

What He does, HE being interchangeable, outside of maybe just the 1, the first. 

I guess it just does...

and it pains me to say it is so. 

no one has left an impression physical, emotional or anything otherwise that sticks. 

My heart can convince me otherwise, because it likes to see the beauty in everything. 

but once the hormonal veiling is subsided, 

and once I've acknowledged the WHY behind my outbursts of "vulnerability" and fabricated physical "needs" 

My feelings for Him become indifference. 

and alas, to know again the sweet, yet bitter concessions of truth. 

i deserve a LIVING fucking wage

i deserve to be surrounded by healthy human beings

i deserve peace, 

i deserve Love. 

and i fucking deserve happiness.

and It pales me to grip the creeping acknowledgement of It being my fault.

someone stole my draws out the dryer today.

and I’m thinking about how much valuable time i have to spend finding similar draws that smooth my belly, lift my bum and compliment my shape.

its the energy, the time, i have to use because someone decided to take my damn draws. 

the TIME the energy, the orchestration.  

The time that Could be spent resting, i have to work to replace an imperative part of my functioning wardrobe. 

i guess i should be grateful i just have to replace some damn draws. 

I don’t have the time and I’m upset that i don’t even make enough time for myself to do something as simple as buy a new pair of draws.

God. I lean on you to send me the answers.