I’m not sure what i yearn for anymore. 

I know what makes my heart smile, what brings my soul to vibrancy. 

i know that every single day, my presence knows Joy in every moment, knows the beauty in conflict & the growing magic of pain.

i know that I’m tired of trying to find a way to fit into societal norms & im ok with whatever the maker of time has in store for my life. 

im excited to be restored and aligned with the Oneness that is of all things. 

and i know i grow closer to that state every day that comes and ends. 

I’m afraid a lot.  

And i don’t know how to hold the infinite wonders that live inside of me. 

God bless the seekers.

she clung to me as soon as she seen Me.

”how did you find me?”  she gasped.

She hugged me and sprawled across my lap once i got settled.

her presence, i felt it immediately. 

So innocent, childlike, but aware, 

conscious, yet eyes still big and bright and Hopeful. 

i know her Dad when i hear of her discipline, i know what could be his spirit if he let go of his ego.  

Her spirit is so beautiful. And when she reaches for my hand to walk, our spirits seem like old friends, finally reunited again.

she doesn’t have any psychological barriers obstructing her presence and joy, and it’s abosolutely magic. 

to not only be present to It, but to feel It, being around her.

she makes me miss him. But i understand that i cannot fight against the universal current of all things meant to be and happen once you surrender. 

its so funny. I remember dreaming of them both well after, it’d never be just him, always the two.

i pray to understand more the energies that live on different planes of existence.  

And why our souls always find each other in new lifetimes.  

my chest has been hurting, more like a discomfort. My body finally feels good. I’ve been working out 3 times a week. I’m not skinny but I’m also not puckered out walking up a flight of stairs.

my aura is great, I’m trusting, my body is slowly getting in shape and able to keep up with the world around me.

but this pain. It squeezes on my heart, sometimes it’s a mild pressure, other times It takes the breath out of me. 

I would get this feeling when i pushed myself too hard at the gym, my heart would feel like it’s pumping too hard for the cavity it’s enclosed in. 

now i feel It when I’m tired.  

I went home early today. and i slept. 

I forced myself to disconnect, emotionally, physically, and mentally. 

i couldn’t let in anything else to disrupt the peace my heart needed in order to rest. 

it feels good. Not to be on all the time.  

Anyhow. Although I’m hurting, this Love / text reminds me why i go so hard, why i never stop moving  / putting my presence to use. 

it’s easy to die everyday. It’s harder to Live.

if i don’t stop and disconnect, I’m killing myself, and that’s not of God’s intention. 

God’s intention is Life. 

what example am i to anyone who has discovered the truths of the universe and cannot be disciplined enough to cater to and take care of self. 

God i pray over the atoms in every make up of my living form.  

I pray over my skin, my energy, my heart and my will power. I love you. Gnite.

i was explaining how JT’s passing can be felt in the atmosphere, surrounding our energies, a somber goodbye, and It feels too soon to have to say It.

His life was a gift to our collective existence.  

He figured out the power and beauty of Presence & he wielded It, growing Love and Community in everything he involved himself in.

the somber part isn’t that he’s leaving, because one day, that’s where we all get to go, we get to leave this place of suffering and meet with the center of our souls again... the somber part is saying goodbye to a being so in tune with his soul, and feeling the charge of being as like him as possible & not knowing if we are capable of reflecting the magnitude of his presence and magic.

my prayers into the world, that our collective consciousness understands the magic of Presence.   

Our shared, present and conscious moments live forever. Time is a societal construct. 

OUR interactions define time. And those interactions live infinitely when we learn & live in Presence.  

 & getting to share that presence...

He reminds me of innocence. 

and i can feel the way we must mourn the cruelty of human beings.

i can feel the thick and growing atmosphere of pain.

And i hate that we need these instances to remind us of our humanity.

my heart hurts for the innocent who have to endure a pain that the ego created. 

My heart hurts for the innocent who are led by their spirits and have to suffer as they acclimate to the social constructs of this world. 

my heart hurts. 

today felt like absolute magic. The things that came out of me, could have only existed through the discussions held at Cal. The affirmation It gave my soul, and the welcoming the universe granted me once i answered it’s beckoning. 

i finally feel like myself again. Sharing all my secrets, and sometimes dominating that space, so tomorrow I’ll be humble & let my kids lead us to the wisdom that lives in all of our souls.

one of my regular babies was having a personal dilemma.  

Its like breathing sharing wisdom. A wisdom i could only have acquired through drastically and tragically facing endless perils in every waking moment of life. Things I’ve come to accept therein becoming conditioned to handle.

ive run into another seeker, who told me of Eckart Tolle’s interaction with God. He was at the cusp of committing suicide when God revealed himself to him in some way, reminding him of the purpose he has for his Life.

I remember being so heartbroken, by my ex, by people, i was anxious to know heaven and i dreamed of riding an elevator up through the clouds and found myself walking along side God. I was marveled by everything, and at the end of what I seemed to be a tour, i was back at the elevator and tasked to go back down. I sobbed like a child to stay, on my hands and knees, snot running down my nose, i cried with so much agony of the pain of the world and didn’t want to endure it anymore. God communicated with me without words, that’s what It was like the entire duration. He spoke without moving his lips, without facial expressions, gestures, or language, his presence was with my spirit, and He spoke to me silently and i knew i had to go back. He had a plan for me... in fetal position, hugging my knees on the floor of the elevator, i cried the entire way down & woke up in my room in Daly City. 

Men have such a strict identity, they’re always the ones left with these emotional strains because they have not been provided the societal welcoming and space to work through these conflicts.

i have no kids that are of my womb, but somehow kids found their way to me.

and i didn’t know what was happening at first. I was 8 when my oldest niece was born. 

And she taught me selflessness. I didn’t know why, i just wanted her happy, and i did everything i could to make sure she was happy. 

she taught me unconditional love.  when i wanted to react in a way that would gratify my emotions, i knew It wouldn’t benefit the situation or help her grow. I learned to love her even when she disobeyed me, even when she hurt me, even when she hurt herself. 

My kids are getting older. And their growth means their heart is getting broken by the truths of this world. 

I’ve done everything in my power to help them see Love, 

To know Hope. And to be a part of a new narrative, that creates Change through the beauty of their mere existence, in excellence and resilience.

but they still choose to die.

and my heart is broken accepting that my kids don’t want to live.  

there are only two men in this entire terrestrial plane that make me feel like nothing.

And i guess it’s good. I don’t expect to be everyone’s flavor. But all that know me, get to be present to the Joy and God that lives in me... all the time. And it’s hard not to fall in love when in audience of God’s presence through the most excellent and present versions of ourselves. 

Like watching a conga drummer in a live band during Carnaval ... for those brief moments his spirit possesses his body, his mind goes quiet for a while, and his heart is awake from its slumber, transcending from form and living in the collective atmosphere that enevelops us all. His soul is gleaming through his eyes, and you can’t help but know Love when you see a conga drummer, drumming during Carnaval. 

that’s what it’s like knowing me. Until one of these two people, interrupt my presence with theirs.

and my presence only knows how much i cannot be valuable in any capacity to people who just don’t see the value in me.  

Yet i guess the proximity of their connectiveness is meant to remind me to be removed further from that living piece of Ego still present in me.  

Seeing them is acknowledging how vulnerable i am, to stand between anyone and their destiny or happiness. 

seeing them is acknowledging how weak i really am to have my PRESENCE, the only value i hold, shifted because they are around. 

i pray their presence teaches me how to trust a little bit more. And dissolves this lingering need for value and significance.

I trust, with determined certainty, a plan my soul had for this lifetime. 

and I'll vent, I might even vent extensively, but I can't bring myself to question the purpose for all of this pain anymore. 

for a time learning the history of human cruelty and it's cycled persistence and evolution today, I questioned the point of it all. I had been asked by a stranger, if I appreciated the adversity my ancestors endured so that my life  could exist. And I didn't hesitate in response, "no". 

What was the point of their survival, if our way of living has only evolved into an escalation of violent pursuits of value. 

because I could only focus on the larger scope of human existence. 

I didn't notice the small spaces and pockets of awakening happening. 

we are at a conjuncture of contradictions. Everything has repeated itself enough, to bring attention to the root of our problems. 

there is something inside of us existing in this world with such inferiority of the infinite that surrounds us and brought us into being. 

that inferiority has birthed the difference we seek out from one another, to demand our place in the infinite. 

Yet, the only real demand for space happens when we bind our stories together. When we tell the story of the human race, and our awakening into the collective and communal module of living. 

I pray I always know and feel the infinite within every moment of my existence.

my mind is naturally up 10-15 before my alarm goes off. 

I told myself lastnight It was optional to wake up in the morning. I’m sick, and progressively getting worse, i need to really sleep It off.

but i woke up to music playing in my mind. I often hear a song there. 

it was one i never heard before. But It told a story i might have known in another lifetime or in a parallel universe, and i woke up feeling the magic in Being.

i went to a funeral Sunday. I haven’t been in a Samoan church for a while. We got there right as people were taking their seats. And the pastor welcomed us and began the opening prayer. 

Because we had made It in the nick of time, my mind was on auto pilot, as soon as i closed my eyes, my mind became still, and all my presence was towards God, and that moment of infiniteness.

I felt like i was being hugged from behind and i open my eyes and look back to see everyone in prayer.

My consciousness is growing with my presence. And every moment has beauty and joy.

This dimension of being sometimes bends at the awakening of my soul. 

and it’s scary sometimes, hard also, in its truths, lonely more so, because no one quite understands, but beautiful none the less. 

the beauty, of being followed by presence and magic, to be connected to the infinite...

i feel so much. It’s like dreaming of flying but in the waking world. 

I get drunk and let my ego live. 

As much as I try to alienate my sense of being from hazardous societal norms, I want to be a part of community, and I often find myself subconsciously at odds with existing in my truths and being accepted in community. 

The morning after is filled with enough Humility and Guilt to strip me of any Ego left lingering in my being. 

and I would not have noticed it otherwise, If I hadn't experienced these drunk and overtly inflated deposits of Ego during my inebriated shenanigans. 

Humility, detaches you from existing in worldly capacities. It reminds you of a value that exists without a title, without a purpose, without fiscal association. 

Humility makes you stronger, as you are reminded that things and circumstances cannot diminish the existence of your being. 

signed sincerely, 

someone trying to figure out how to pragmatically coexist in society without completely losing my sense of being. 

we won our 1st round of playoffs but I’m in a damn slump. 

I got hit in the face off of a nasty bounce a few weeks back and haven’t been the same (normal playing in a city park where the field isn’t level). 

Im playing with too much mind and not enough presence. 

Prior to my slump i was on my social media sabbatical, and every moment had more texture and energy.

Because my mind wasn’t diluted with immediate and temporary escape. 

to entertain itself, i had to pay attention to people, i had to appreciate every little thing, and It made me more present. 

goodness. I’m about to go on another leave of absence.

i need It! 

Just delivered, mySidy posing with them 😍

I finally slowed everything down and now i don’t feel like myself.  

I rocked out January - April and now that I’ve allowed myself to be lazy for 2 weeks i don’t know who i am. 

slowing down doesn’t necessarily mean i was without things to do, It just means i wasn’t completely immersed in my top tier investments. 

I miss the challenge i had turning over as much as i possibly could day in and day out.

i don’t have much leisure time, but dammit, this is why i went back to school. 

My mind isn’t being challenged enough doing graphic work, or working at the office. Of course there is challenge, but it’s not challenging my thought process. the challenge with those things are making sure I’m well rested. 

I’ve come to acknowledge that a large part of my working identity is actualized in Challenge and adversity.

and i need to do a better job of feeling valuable without It. 

I don’t understand how i could have come from being affirmed in the University, even got to sit down with Angela Davis among scholars and PhD students and hold the floor 

and STILL have this challenge of knowing my own value when I’m doing nothing. 

my value shouldn’t be determined by the amount of things i am able to do.  

 😢😭 Lia and Gianni are almost all grown up.

and i can’t stop thinking about how magical it’s been getting to help raise them.

they’re literally, my favorite kids.

I’ve been craving the outside. 

To be in the middle of an expansive nature, the only conflicts within mother herself. 

i want the stillness of the sun on my eyelids and the wind brushing my skin. 

i want the stillness of terrestrial miracles enveloping me and nothing and no one else. 

id like to be present to God within mother herself.  

I want that peace that only arrives when the infinite makes you still. 

like the way rustling leaves can sound like the ocean sometimes, and for half a second you forget where you are.  

I want the wonder your soul feels when you look at an uninterrupted night sky.

mother exists in such conflicting harmony.

One grain of sand never knowing it’s enormous significance as part of the whole. 

Not just to it’s larger body of sand, but to it’s beach, and that beach to it’s aquatic eco system, and that body of water to the world.  

I’d like to be lost in nature’s conflict as nature is aligned with the infinite.