got me all the way fucked up. 

from an intellectual stand point its a great thing that we are putting into conversation those societal issues of value. 

and in some ways I feel like he is just vibing on an entirely different frequency. 

but then I think about the comfort and privilege he has at his disposal and I get upset. to be a victim within such incremental capacities is upsetting. 

to be insecure at such heights of affirmation, is upsetting. 

and it puts my own life into context. 

and I wanna drop the roster, again, because to be undisciplined in that nature of existing is handicapping a piece of me that needs to also be strong. 

Looooooorrrrddddtttttt. I'm gna be disciplined! 

 #AskFee

 capacious: capable of holding much. 

There were a few words Angela used more than a handful of times during our sitting and during her larger speaking engagement, Capacious, was one.

hence, I’ve subconsciously been marveled by the subject of “space”. To open space, to create space, spatial relations, and the empty space that envelopes all that is the universe.

Capacities and space have possessed my attention.  

I’m so enraveled in the space that is created, the awakening that is happening, i see the beauty in the every day and in the conflicts clearly through the lens of space. 

Anywho.  

This growing is beautiful. It’s so funny understanding the way my soul called these circumstances into my life. 

It forced me to grow from within.  

I feel the power of the Divine radiating in the acknowledgement of its immaculance culminating within my being. 

it calls to exist an excellence in a selfless and capacious Love for all that is, even in its conflict.  

i appreciate being bored, being alone, and being still. 

Yet i know, I’m not participating in our collective consensus of time if I stay in those spaces, sequestered from everyone else. 

i make these choices of being involved and invested in all of these things because i know my presence must be used at its highest capacity before this life time is over. 

i know my soul is growing. And if i decide to be lazy I’ll just want to be reborn again to do the growing i didn’t do in this lifetime.

so i might as well endure the hard suffering of growth. 

there are so many things to be grateful for. 

Narrative is such an important aspect of trajectory.  

My kid came in. He’s been experiencing some of life’s heartaches.  

I try to remind him how small these problems really are, how much our psychological barriers hold us back from the life God intended for us if we just looked up and became present to the beauty in our current state.

in this current state we have, there may not be a secured roof over our head but we have air filling our lungs, if our bodies our immobile, we have the pleasure of consciousness delighting our mind. 

There is beauty in accepting the tragedies of life, doing your absolute best in your current state and continuing to move forward. 

he began to describe to me the attributes of an effective leader ... about the qualities of a Godly leader ... and when he began to describe a Godly leader i looked at him and knew That was just the type of leader he was developing into ... and then he said, all of those descriptions reminded me of you Fia. 

He asked me to be his mentor, but he must have known that that was the position i had already been playing in his life and more of anything from me was his ability to make time to come spend more time with me. 

God. Thank you for making me so stubborn.

its not only him, it’s the way these kids parents are when they meet me.  

Theyre so grateful for what i am to their kids, but i am nothing without their babies. 

they literally give me purpose.  

So in love with these damn babies!!!! 

i hate the unspoken energy that takes up the room when both of us are in It.

it’s like our spirits enter another plane of existence together, and they awkwardly dance around each other, knowing, there is no one else, but the other.

i don’t know what It is about him. Maybe It is the mystery, the unknown. 

but I’m about tired of feeling his presence. I don’t ever really feel him when we aren’t in the same room. But when we are, It feels childish.  

I adore him. I wish our circles weren’t so intertwined. And because they are, I’ll pray that i find my way out of knowing him. 

this weekend I've gotten to actualize Hope through purpose. 

in all of this weekends happenings it was made clear that a divine presence, a Universal aligning was present in my life. 

the blind faith held onto during moments of unrest and humiliating adversity. 

every single night I did not want to wake up to see tomorrow. 

here is the purpose, here is God's beauty.

I prayed in gratitude, I prayed and I'm always right there with the most high, with closed eyes and a quiet mind, there he is. existing inside of me.

I dreamt last night of another world. 

It was scary at first, destitute too. There was only a handful of us. 

and I remember how sad it was, to exist in a space with only a chosen few. 

the beauty is in the conflict. 

and as much as it pains my heart to acknowledge the cruelty of human existence, again. we cannot actualize this type of Love without conflict.

Today I get to meet Angela Davis. 

I get to engage her with 34 other students before she lectures an auditorium of people. before auditoriums of excess people will be streaming from different venues. 

I pray that my soul is aligned with the most high. 

I pray to soak up the divine within her. And I pray this experience draws me closer to God's purpose he's anointed over this current lifetime. 

I do not know yet what the reason for my being is. But I know my part is a part of a whole.

this place is to move limbs of the collective. 

God be with me, speak to my heart and let it hear you loudly and clearly.  

Last summer, I nearly threw in the towel at the office on numerous occasions. 

everytime I felt possesed to walk away, I couldn't, because there was Lia. 

If I walked off, she would have to quit our program. and if she quit, I knew how much her spirit would begin to die again, every single day. 

my choice to live, in this incessant cycle of human inferiority is because of my Lia. If I give up, my Lia would give up too. 

And maybe that's the real reason I couldn't stop crying after we found her in Richmond when she ran away. My babies don't care to see tomorrow, and I don't either. 

what impales me most direly, is how young they are in acknowledging these truths of life. 

I'm always taken back to this reasoning for existence. 

God's need to know life through form. all of our values, are made up of some fleshly or worldly urge. 

Before existence, God existed in nothingness. 

no flesh, no universe, just infinite nothingness. 

He began the universe to know life through form, conflict evolved the universe, his consciousness growng with each transformation. 

our lives are God's way of living. and I guess these conflicts are growing his awakening consciousness. 

I'm just tired I guess. and I know, I have to stop looking to find rest in people, to find hope in people, to find compassion and love in people. 

I can only find REAL satisfaction in those things by reconnecting and recharging with the Source, with God himself, with God's living presence within Me as Me. 

Whenever I do come to these conjunctures of complete disgust for societal structures of living, I know I'm losing myself to the world and it's invisibile psychological barriers. 

I pray to be infinite in You. I pray your presence covers me with Hope. I pray that I am made new in your love. Thank you for Your strength. 

i met with my teacher today. 

And I’m scared shitless of the affirmation she imparted on me.  

It’s the whisper of my soul, buried by the makings of this world, and amidst the concealment of Its secret place, repeats a truth It all but forgot the purpose of its origin. 

Those whispers, tenderly saving a sliver of hope to survive until morning, only to be broken down all over again and saved by that constant lulling. 

Every layer i shed of worldly makings, i hear my soul a little better, & my presence understands its precise purpose corresponding perfectly within the workings of this infinite universe.  

It scares me, to know God within my being. 

To say goodbye to all of this current beauty, It hasn’t even blossomed yet, but I’ve enjoyed the work of seeding and nurturing, i can’t imagine how much more beautiful this garden can be.

and to not know how to deal with the growing beauty.  

How to not lose myself in gratitude. I’m already in heaven just having my kids in one place. Imagine what more could be has almost stopped me from completely functioning.  

Literally been crying all week, in pain & now in gratitude and appreciation of this beauty. 

Guess i couldn’t know the severity of one without the other.  

holding onto my heart before i drift away. 

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭  

I know i deserve this space.  

yet i feel this creeping, a haunting echo, a mantra of past lives confessing histories of worthless value.

But now i know, how the narration of my own story never begun within my own control. It started within the context of my environment, a 2nd class life called for a 2nd class narration / expectation of my own life.

i deserve this space, because my kids deserve to understand those silent injustices they carry in the secret places of their hearts.

I deserve this space because i know it’s about Us. 

Not just Us, the disadvantaged, the disenfranchised and the dispossessed.  

Its about all of Us. It’s about growing and awakening as a Human Species.

i am literally so taken by this extension of access I cannot contain my Gratitude & Joy. 

Not because i am chosen, i am special. But because of the calling God put on my life. 

The way i followed my heart blindly, kept my heart through all the pain. THE PAIN. 

THE PAIN. THE PAIN. THE PAIN. 

I cannot believe that something so beautiful could be birthed out of THAT much heartache.

and my babies. The way they protect and surround me with their Love. They call me “Mama Fia” “Mama Sophie” “Mama Fee” and I can’t believe God made their Love for me. 

I cant believe God that i get to be a part of their present and blossoming beauty too.

this but affirms the promises and the whispers of the heart.

and i hope for every single person to know this wholeness. 

LOST IN GRATITUDE.  

I spend a lot of time working, investing, growing. 

Today, God reminded me where my heart lives, and why the cruelty of humanity,  

is no match for the Love togetherness encompasses. 

to my beautiful hearts. Thank you for lighting up this world with your passion. 

Thank you for existing, when there was no reason to keep living. 

you all are the reason God keeps deciding to exist in form. 

it is this Love, that can only be bred in a world of cruelty and conflict. 

today. Was a perfect day.  

 #FeesBabies

What is your narrative?  

How do you think of people?  

how does your thoughts filter into your speech and the repetitive occurrence of those words trickle into your behavior and those perpetuated actions becoming a part of who you are, leaking into your character.

all from a thought.

now what is the public narrative? 

How does our communal consciousness shape the way we think about community, speak about community and act within our community, driving the central interpretations the world has on our community. 

There’s a charade going on. as we begin to grapple with the toxicity of our thoughts that have created these toxic environments, 

we did not look to question where those thoughts derived from. We took complete responsibility for their abuse.  

Never questioning,  

Who put those thoughts there in the first place?  

WHO IS REALLY IN CHARGE OF MY NARRATIVE?  

And HOW DOES THAT EXTENSION RECIEVE SUCH POWER OVER MY NARRATIVE?

our value is reflected in the spatial sequestration of our communities, 

our segregation from access to healthy housing, healthy food, access to transportation and employment.  

our narrative is subconsciously derived in the 2nd class existence we occupy in this world.

yet in understanding this truth, we can shift the tides of our collective being.

we can change our narrative and rewrite our stories.

it All starts with a Thought.  

history. Repeats. And. Repeats. And. Repeats. 

 #AskFee

SP. 

i wonder if I’m the only one who follows a ripple, no matter its magnitude, back to its consummating force.

we are but ripples in God’s awakening consciousness.  

can you imagine ripples in the universe. 

Our concept of time is relative, dependent on how big we are in the universe and where we sit in the universe. 

Our perception of a lifetime, dependent on these things.  

When i think of Freedom.  

I remember my dream. i remember praying and asking God for freedom from the pain of this world before going to sleep and dreaming of God’s existence before us. 

& i dreamt of nothingness.

No color, no light, no form, ... 

just floating consciousness. No pain, no love.  

No pressures, no deadlines, no values, no concept of worth.

infinite nothingness, no physical body to be subjected to pleasure or pain, no people to devise structures of hierarchy. 

a sea of darkness. No beauty because there was no conflict. just sameness in the sea of black. 

... 

Freedom does not live without conflict. 

when i think of being free of these conflicts, i wish to be free of life.

but there is nothingness waiting.

id only long to be reborn again, to experience the waves of conflict and beauty through a life of form.

so i guess my new prayer. 

to have my soul known. To be one with God’s soul, and drawn to God’s soul not only in myself, but in all things that have actualized God’s existence within.  

I pray to never grow weary of God’s longing to know existence through form.

To be grateful for the conflicts that live in the same world that makes Love possible.