People are like walking insecurities.

Like a puppet, our innermost selves cling to identity & project that mask of ourselves into the world.

We fight anything that challenges our idea of identity.

we build up structures of psychological barriers, abiding to those societal pressures, running from alienation. 

What significance do we bring anything, but being a vessel for our own self destructive emotions when we are supposed to be vessels for the Divine. 

The Divine, does not live in us under the societal lens of “Godly” or “Christian Like”  

the Divine dwells in Us, as Us.  

To find the Divine, we must find ourselves.  

I must remember that my consciousness acts as part of the whole. In my awakenings i can move the fingers of the collective, waking up the hand, and surging through the limbs of the entire body. Slowly, waking up the whole.  

I must never forget.  

i didn’t get out all game, Had some great RBI’s. 

My knee gave out during a play at home but It didn’t completely cripple me, which was good. I am so grateful to still be able to play. We played really well today. EVERYONE did their part, base hit after base hit, THE INCHES.  

i cant believe how long we’ve been playing together, im guessing we’ve only lost the championship 1 season since we’ve started.  

It puts so many things into perspective. Again, i can’t begin to entail just how grateful i am to still get to be around great people.  

My siblings, in all of their love and greatness, my work family, my school family, my boxing family, my industry family, MY SOFTBALL FAMILY.  

I am never short on Love and It’s truly amazing knowing and being present to these really phenomenal human beings. 

My dreams have felt like open windows to the presence of lifetimes of my soul. 

Last night, i dreamt of being in a group of people and being awarded a prominent Medal of Honor.

i did not want to be happy for something so superficial, yet i couldn’t help but become excited for what It meant.  

in the same night, i dreamt i was captive on a ship. I was second to a great chief and our kidnappers had us at the doorstep of war against our own people.  

Did we give our people away? Or did we set our kidnappers up? I remember the chief pointing and stepping off the ship ready for whatever fate awaited once our capturers seen the indigenous army afoot. 

agh. I love coming across narratives that share those of my own heart’s silent whispers. 

in these instances i get to realize that my soul does not walk alone. Our path is narrow, and those who walk beside me far and few, yet we exist. 

Leaving legacies of Truth. 

It took me a really long time to start dating after my last ex. Like literally years (plural af) .

(I’m laughing internally at how critically i am thinking about every little thing, but i digress Lol) 

within this state of dating, the companions i choose to entertain always reflect the narrative or context in which i subconsciously projected onto them.

during my time with my biological father, I was at such unrest because my existence wasn’t in a constant state of crisis, entertainment helped the time go by, It didn’t really matter who, those variables became interchangeable. The people i put in those interchangeable spaces assumed qualities suitable for the role that was in accordance to my narrative. 

If i chose someone for convenience, their core characteristics always had some echoing resemblence. If i chose for emotionally intimacy, spiritual intimacy... etc etc.   

all of which, i never chose intentionally for partnership. 

I chose all of these things to satisfy a temporal and surface need.  

Thinking that one day those narratives might evolve. Might change. But they never do. 

because they were never consciously or subconsciously chosen within the right context.

i don’t expect an ideal partner to fall right out of Heaven... 

but i do understand now, that i must have intentional narratives about the men i choose to entertain.  

These intentional narratives reflect upon the core characteristics of said person thus equating them in deserving atmosphere and context of my partnership. 

I am ready for Intentional Relations 🖤 

I worked the club this weekend. I love my industry family, you see and experience things together that connects you in ways you wouldn’t have conceived looking outright at the job.

lastnight there was a huge brawl in front of the club. As the hip hop party was transitioning out, the house music started, and the house music crowd began making their way in. My PTSD is pretty mild, for the most part I’m not completely overtaken when chaos ensues, it’s almost natural at this point, yet i know there is an obvious safety concern at hand and there’s still all of these people selfishly looking to you for attention.

”Can you smile just a little bit?” 

”you look so done” 

promoters trying to get their +10 in, 

people trying to maneuver out of paying the entrance fee and pushing their way inside.

no one at all concerned with the human lives outside erupting, in walking distance to their cars and possible weapons. 

everyone is concerned with their own state of selfishness. 

It literally pisses me off. Because i almost never get a call from someone actually calling to check up on me. 

the Majority of people i know are self centered.

and It just pissed me off having to exist in a world where everyone lives with an ulterior motive.

people use people in so many malice ways. 

So many times to protect their fragile identities.  

What is It with us and these inferior identities that can never stand alone. 

maybe I’m being selfish by being exauhsted by the need of everyone and only having myself to meet my own needs. 

God again. I pray to find Hope in people. 

i pray to keep this hope. I’m damn tired of existing alone. I pray that your presence dwells within me More dominantly than this worldly flesh of mines. 

I pray for your Love and compassion to stick on me through and through.  

I wonder if they know how much they make my heart sing.  

or How much beauty is in the increments of presence we get to share with them?

i hope my presence makes them feel God’s love just as much as their’s does for us.

just to be thought about, in a sincere way, is almost all the love you ever need.

send good thoughts and good vibrations into the world. We all need It.  

duuuuuuu ok, i mean a lot of this stuff we know, but having the proof be craaaayyyy. I don’t know how much more my mind can be blown. You cannot change what you cannot measure.

get yourself out of the heavy psychological mix of things and look up.

Silence your mind in the presence of God’s infinite hand in the makings of the universe.

Can you believe that we can only see a set horizon of the stars that exist in the entire universe?

And that our sun is one of those stars?

Our set horizon hosts billions of stars, each star with their own partners of planetary objects or other makings of stuffs orbiting them.

And that our planet, is the only known planet in our galaxy and what is optimally visible in other galaxies to be able to sustain life?

Now think about God’s perfect orchestration of the entire happenings of the infinite universe and how small your ask is of him.

The reason he is drawing this out for you is because you asked for covenant, a soulmate. If he can make the entire universe function in such perfect synchrony to provide us life, why don’t you think he hasn’t or isn’t orchestrating your story to satisfy the deepest and innermost cravings of your heart?

He’s answering your prayers and conditioning you and your wife for the life you’ve prayed for.

Hold on! You’ve grown exceptionally. And your heart deserves to actualize it’s dreams in family.

love,

Fee

We need each other because the world is cruel, People are cruel, but together we have Just Enough.

there isn’t a lot we can do alone, when we need God we can often find Him dwelling in another person, but when you’ve exhausted that one outlet, you need a group of people to help you hold onto Just Enough. 

Together we have Just Enough Hope to believe in a purpose outside of ourselves and our selfish intuitions.

Together we have Just Enough Love to know God’s Agape Love on earth and be reminded of His presence, His promise & the Home we have awaiting us in the afterlife. 

Just Grateful for Just Enough. 

We don’t need much, but we do require Just Enough Love and Just Enough Hope to get us to the next day.

Just when i wanted to give up, God gave me Just Enough in all of You to believe in a better tomorrow.  

i love You Taylor’s too much to say.

We are nothing without the other.  

Time is a relative relationship between 2 or more time markers. When i think about what makes my heart joyful, it’s being able to experience things with them, to look in their eyes and see their hope for life and letting their childlike trust in the world project me further into making that world possible. 

What i appreciate most about today was the shared narrative of bringing this wealth of knowledge back to the community, the collective approach opposed to the individual and what It means to change the social paradigm of success in the black and underprivileged communities. 

what work needs to be done is creating actual partnerships with community stakeholders and leveraging those partnerships in the tech industry as these stakeholders hold true access to the people. 

I know our Youth, born and bred in crisis are the only ones capable of engineering imaginative solutions of equitable resolve for not only those suffering here domestically, but globally.

TEACH US HOW TO BLOSSOM WHERE WE ARE PLANTED, and i promise you, the world will be a better place because of It!  

tomorrow we get to attend SoulFest hosted by Google in Oakland. We attend in hopes of creating partnerships in tech, as well as being a part of the narrative that illuminates Black presence in this new and thriving era of technology. 

Here’s a quote from the phenomenal A. Philip Randolph: 

”The youngsters of today must direct their attention not only to the matter of racial identity and racial realization through African Studies, but they must make certain they are not left behind in the scientific and technological revolution, because if they are, they will be in a hopeless state. There will be absolutely no way in the world whereby they can become an effective force. If the young negro cannot become a part of this advancing technology, his whole revolution will have been in vain.”

Ebony Magazine, May 1969 

im so excited to share a space in history with these phenomenal beings making strides of inclusion, but also telling a new story of Hope and presence for the minority populations.  

today was a great day of excitement and hope. Thank you for these affirmations. I accept wholly 

signing out of day 7. 1 week down 5 more to go. 

"Bury me in the Ocean with my ancestors who jumped from ships cause they knew death was better than bondage."

-Erik Killmonger

When I wake up in the morning, there exists a handful of conscious decision making that takes place before I am able to leave the house.  

I wake up every morning having to convince myself that today is another day closer to freedom. My mind does not live in trivial dilemmas, I wake up and understand how direly underprivileged my existence is here. Our genocide doesn't happen outright, it's a process of elimination, a filtering out. Our skin and socio-economic status determined our access, in that access, our bodies are taxed, our homes are in the most polluted areas of the city, that's why it is so cheap to live here, the jobs that are amply available to us are hazardous, that's why they are the easiest for us to get, the food in our immediate community is processed and toxic, that's why it is "affordable". We don't realize these drawn out effects until we look up from our hustle of just surviving to see that none of our parents are living to see 60 and what that means in creating our own family, as our access to resources has become even smaller with no parental support system to help raise our children. 

The extent of human cruelty doesn't just follow me systemically and institutionally. I live it within my family. the selfishness driven by the american dream of individualism. the structure of power, and how it affords privileges and echos access to resources upon whomever is on the right side of power. 

white people are upsetting. but what is most upsetting is knowing that white people are no different from any one of us. It's easy to forgive an old faceless conqueror, they did not know any better, there is a myriad of excuses we could give, but Family. How do you survive being heartbroken over and over and over again by people who should know better? Why did you bring us into this world anyways, what logic do you prevail in projecting your own insecurities, demons, and self hate onto your kin? I guess you can trace those behavior traits back to colonialism, yet some piece of me feels like it's just the nature of Human Beings. 

It'd be easy to live in a world of escape, to reject these realities and replace them with temporary satisfactions, but I just can't anymore. 

I am angry all the time. I can do everything within my capacity to sustain my peace, but it never lasts. I need more Hope. 

I loved Black Panther, it speaks directly of the silent injustices we live every day. But I need more palpable, more tangible Hope. 

God my ask is to be aligned with Hope. 

Thursday’s i spend commuting to and from Berkeley.

every week i can’t believe that i am living a dream my soul whispered to my heart & my heart whispers to my human form.

it astounds me just how much my heart knows. Then again, it listens to my soul, my soul that is a part of the soul of the universe. Why wouldn’t It know every secret, every wisdom of truths.

i cant believe my heart lead me here. 

I cant believe how imperfectly perfect my life has been aligned with the longing of my heart. 

how would i have ever known that those systems of control, those moments along with these current moments of crisis would define and shape a purpose i could have never dreamed up on my own.

i love the truths my soul speaks to me, even if i have to actualize them on my own most times, i cannot double what It feels like to be aligned with the infinite.

I don’t have much time to reflect. But what i can say is that my thoughts have become critically concentrated.  

There are a number of things we entertain to escape the present.  

Social media was one.

but then i found myself replaying and romanticizing my intimate conquests whenever a moment of idle time came about too. 

the music i listened to implored day dreams.

nearly everything was seeking to make me look everywhere but right here and right now.

It’s only been a day of one less distraction and I can feel the shifting of my energy being concentrated, digging, divulging, measuring & analyzing. 

I pray for the courage to keep growing, as these pains of growth in truth require tireless Hope.  

Here’s some jewels from the day 💎

”She will control her destiny if she learns to see her part & Power in things.” 

#AskFEE  

I've decided to give up social media for lent. Not that I am Catholic, but I love the idea of being challenged and opening up a new space inside of me for the divine to grow. 

This blog has been created to help account for all of the moments I wanted to make infinite by capturing my state of presence through a medium of words and imagery. 

and also, to derail my human addiction to escaping the realities of this world. 

this will be fun :)