Evolving

there are so many relationships I’ve fostered with an idea of “unconditional Love”

unconditional Love

was the Love my parents had. The Love that adopted me when my biological parents were too severely immobilized by their vices to care for me, the Love that sustained even after my dad’s family wished i had taken the bullet to the head that killed my little cousin David,

that beautiful love that found its way through the toxic bullshit of the hood, the kind of love that made your heart smile and your spirit glow - because you knew how to make beauty, hope and Love in such a cruel place. 

thats all I have ever wanted in life 

Was a love like that.  

A humble Love, an enduring Love an Unconditional Love.

one i could depend on - no matter what. 

one day, i Became that Love. 

i became the Love that was always there.  

I filed my emotions away and carried the burdensome load of compassion.

today. I’m almost certain, my compassion, my unconditional love and loyalty ain’t helping no one really Love themselves or Love me correctly. 

I developed the capacity to Love UNCONDITIONALLY but the people i love aren’t evolving with me.

they’re stuck in a cycle of pain and confusion that I’ve naively become a codependent crutch to.

im not loving myself by supporting toxic behavior patterns.  

Im not loving myself by ignoring the blaring emotional red flags i feel sharing space with people who DECIDE to keep going through the same shit.

who DECIDE to hurt themselves and hurt my damn kids, and leave a mess for everyone after to clean up.  

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KIDS IVE HAD TO CORRECT emotionally??? How many kids i had to support, how many holes i had to fill because the adults in their lives couldn’t see past their own shit?!!!! 

i feel like I’m judging. And judging is wrong. 

I should be accepting. But I’m dead fucking tired of grown people not having the capacity to make adult decisions. 

Anyhow. Evolution is tiresome.

i swear, here i go again, “WITH GREAT POWER, COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY” 

i miss being ignorant of all this shit. Cuz now i gta be accountable for the fucking energy that surrounds me and for each space i find myself in.

i gta be accountable for every MF that hit my line and think I’m stuck up because i won’t condone to no low energy shit.

i ain’t judging you MF’s i just know this Love i have ain’t for everybody. 

and i don’t have the ignorance to enjoy temporary satisfactions.  

I wish the fuck i did, cuz It seem like the grass is greener on that side of the fence, but I’m stuck on my side, and this evolution shit is all i know.  

So ima keep watering this blue MF grass hoping i meet more MF’s who got blue grass and enjoy that shit.  

 -signed a Fee growing through some thangs.