Same Moon

this discomfort feels like It keeps growing on itself.

We’re in this space illegally.  

Surveilled tirelessly by housing,  

we’ve resorted to scooping buckets of leftover water after showering into the toilet because the plumbing is so ridiculous it’ll clog every 3-4 months and contacting housing more often than not will draw a keen eye you don’t otherwise need on a space housing more people than it’s supposed to.

the city’s disinvestment of this community, has its own residents treating their own spaces of temporary and illegal refuge with disrespect.

my household is a mausoleum of forgotten things. Forgotten responsibilities, forgotten hopes, forgotten dreams, forgotten care or honor, forgotten integrity.

a few weeks ago i tried helping one of my kids get housing support for her and her family of 3. She’s a freshman at sf state, and was recently displaced, couch surfing then finally finding some type of normal, commuting from Fairfield with her younger brother still in High School at Leadership in SFUSD and her mom working full time in Daly City, barely affording that rent, and looking for a 3rd job on top of being a full time student.

upon analyzing her priority assessment for emergency housing, the point access case manger determined “You aren’t a priority” 

Society will wait until we’ve been domestically abused, plagued with addiction, pregnant, and every other OTHERED vulnerable description of human being BEFORE we are prioritized as deserving of services. 

i understand that there needs to be some type of net to capture these populations. 

but where is our social investment before that? 

why have I lived my entire life with this housing insecurity?  

To the point that It has begun to alienate Us from eachother.

dialoguing to this point with self, i forget how instrumental this space is.

our environment may be toxic, even radioactively toxic — the shipyard!!! 

toxic emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually.

but there are places around the world with almost no access to the powers that be.

at least here we have a chance to speak. 

We have the power to build bridges around the world. 

i guess the Universe has been reminding me not to get lost in the temporary comforts of this place. 

that this experience is meant to embrace more than just this. 

there’s beauty in discomfort.  

There’s thousands of years of ancestors who have survived with less, and still experienced more. 

what experience is the Universal self trying to have in this space and at this juncture of contradictions?  

It pales me to say, that in some sense i don’t want this experience to keep on.

i don’t know if I’d like to bring another soul into this world. To grow the living hell we’ve built in ego and isolation. 

id like to give birth to a new era of Being.  

A new era of peace, joy and a natural co-existing configuration of being. 

im tired of being disappointed. Im tired of running out of faith and accepting and being alone in values and truths that don’t align with this current experience.

I’m tired of being strong.

tired of being the bigger person. 

tired of not having the capacity to not give a fuck and try and fit in. 

i don’t know what to ask for. 

or how to restructure my asks to bring about the Universe i wish to be in. 

all i know is I’m tired.