Not really ok.

It feels like my spirit has hit a wall.

and I’m too tired of trying, too tired to wonder how each thought has manifested these interactions that ripple into such a definite emotional reaction.

too tired to feel guilty — too tired to care outside of my immediate and current needs and hope that this “selfishness” isn’t part of the same selfishness that created the social disaster and societal disfunction of existing that we are currently facing.

my energy reads all of the unspoken, and It ignores every screaming red flag — to self we say, this is the price you pay for stability. This is the price you pay for companionship, for the luxury of building a family (the one we’ve been conditioned to believe holds the highest value of existing).
to self we say — he wants what you want, but you know better.

and you could probably deal, if It didn’t mean having to be so emotionally stifled.

so deprived of connection.

i am tired of trying so hard, of fighting so hard.

i don’t care what is for me, what is understood about me, and what is meant to be.

this is my best.