10 weeks postpartum

Saying It out loud It feels justly ABSURD to believe that I should have It together by now.

yet i still believe i should …
There’s this all too familiar melancholy and anxiety and i wonder if these baby blues weren’t already present pre-conception, pre-Dante&Fee.
i wonder if this ache of existing is genetic, conceived of some environmental malice that triggered the chemical imbalance in my biological mother and imposed itself on my genetic makeup. I just wonder — maybe it’s the existential crisis of being Human that predisposes us to this sadness of conformity to survive, to understand truth as a social construct and to just Be requires so so so much shrinking.

im tired of shrinking and I’m tired of how ugly i feel exposing how small and vulnerable shrinking makes me feel.
Living feels like a soap opera you just can’t quite dial out of.

And the paradox of existing is cumbersome.