Waiting for a ticKet

My escape has turned into Full fledged work

we share our lives now with everyone we love.

and i love loving more of him, and him loving more of me.

but again, I’ve found myself utterly depleted of energy. Of Hope.
as much as i give, and have no control over giving, I’m reaching for that energy in return.

yelling inside of self …. SOMEONE TELL ME TO STOP. TELL ME ITS OK TO SAY NO, TO BREATHE. Someone tell me to take care of myself. To not worry. To relax. Someone tell me, that the livelihood of my loved ones is not dependent on my presence or energy. Someone tell me life or death, or shift and change isn’t dependent on how much i focus on It.

I wonder if i stopped being a part of things how far I’d get before I’d need to feel the connection to other human beings to feel like i exist.

im so tired of pain.

The more i grow in unveiling the fallacies of this existence,

the more subtle energy i read.
the things that would exist subconsciously in our awareness,

now blare and blind any presence i hope to carry.

i feel e v e r y t h i n g

in a 3 bedroom house if sometimes 17,

I feel the pain of every trauma and heartbreak unsaid.

i feel their subconscious thoughts that characterize their energy field.

so many subconscious thoughts of not enough.

and so much disguised fear.

im tired of how disappointed human existence makes me.

yet i try so hard to be connected to this experience.

im tired of living in pain.

Norm for people like us:

after taking the twins to the veranda where we see white people on a Wednesday afternoon have a quiet relaxing concert in the middle of the day,

they return home and literally have a neighborhood brawl with a doped up neighbor who started harassing the kids while they were outside dancing for their birthday.

it got so bad, because none of the boys were on the block at that specific time, that while the man started hitting the kids, one of the Mom’s of the kids ran out with a machete and started halfway hacking him almost chopping off his ear, trying to get him to stop.

apparently the ordeal trekked from the front of my sisters house then around the corner down by Shayna’s.

and when the ambulance, 2 fire trucks and 3 police cars showed up. No one snitched.

not the man bloodied and beaten, or his woman that was beaten too, or the kids or their parents.

what was the point of survival.

life was worse before.
I should be grateful.

what was the point of pursuing life.

survival?
we are dying to live in an artificial “free” society, while killing ecosystems, environment and people alike, to sustain our currency.

I want to stop.

make It all make sense.
Or at least find a grip on what I’d like to do with myself.

I sound like such a brat. And i sure do have a way with bringing whatever emotion i am in into life.

i understand that the universe fought for millennia to bring me into existence in this current form and in this current state of now.

i hate being so depleted that i give up on the paradox that has arrived me here

ACCEPTANCE

PRESENCE

INNATE ABUNDANCE

ABUNDANCE

LOVE

ENERGY.